Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Part 7 - Honeymoon with God

Finally after 7 years of being attached with somebody, I resumed my singlehood status. I took upon a special journey which I had always wanted to take -- MISSIONS.

So for the next two years or so I lived my life having nothing to do with KKK.

I returned to Asia in January 2004 after 7.5 years of staying in Lincoln, NE. I enrolled myself for Discipleship Training School at YWAM Hong Kong, which was where I had the most irreplacable experience, my honeymoon with God. I put behind everything that happened between me and KK in Lincoln. Occasionally the memories of him still made me sick to my stomach. But for most of the time, I was so overwhelmed with what God was teaching me. Besides, I was so overly loved by everyone so I thought, who needs a boyfriend at a place such as this?? I guess I had a taste of heaven then, nobody needs to get married there.

After DTS was over, I visited Malaysia shortly to tie all the outstanding loose ends.....first with my decisions of what to do with my future and face my parents with those issues, and then, there was a need of a proper closure with KK. I was almost sure that I would not be returning to Malaysia after I finished all my programs at YWAM Hong Kong.

So in May 2004, at KLIA airport, me and KK met and then parted in peace. We forgave, prayed, blessed, and said proper goodbye to each other. I thought, what a great guy but what a pity, I hadnt the slightest interest to live Malaysia. Definitely he wasnt the one for me. I was actually pretty happy it ended that way. It was a great closure, better than one I could ask for.

That summer I returned to Hong Kong and did FEET. When I was on outreach in India, I had the most memorable conversation with God about my future relationship. It wasnt because of desperation but just out of pure curiosity. I started to have sort of a romantic interest in mind and was carefully thinking certain things through. During that session of heart to heart with God, a lot of questions were answered. I was ready to move on and to have a new love interest.

However I recall, because of the incredible outreach food, I ended up having these reccuring vivid dreams of KK and I getting back together. And I had at least 5 of those throughout the whole of FEET outreach. Annoying, but fortunately ignoring them wasnt too hard. When I was awake and sober, I knew with an absolute certainty that I was over KK.

After FEET outreach, I returned to Hong Kong permanently to join the staff team. It was also the time I found out prematurely that my new "love interest" then was also interested in me. I was pretty certain at that time that God has led me to consider a relationship with this person. However, due to the guidelines set by YWAM, we couldnt pursue a relationship until I passed nine months of staffship. That, for me was SALVATION. I found out of my lack of emotions towards this person and therefore inability commit my heart to him fully. As I would sadly tell Faby, my hormones were dormant, maybe dead!!!

I spent the whole nine months trying to develop those feelings, hoping that I could somehow return his kindness and affection but instead I instinctively and rather unkindly ran away from his presence each time he wanted to get close. The one last time I gave myself and him a chance, I asked him out for a meal at a fancy place. It was during that time I finally decided to give up on trying. I could not be in a relationship with him with us interacting like that. I didnt know what was on his mind but I was hoping he would also get the idea and move on.

Nine months was over.... he gave me a letter.

This was the entry I made on September 22, 2005. To protect his identity, I had to be very vague.

Him and her

After a year of secret longing, he finally told her today.... that he loves her.

He gave her an envelope with some money, a gift voucher to an ice cream place, and a letter he typed the night before. Those were words he could not say to her in person.

He spilt everything....how and when and why... and asked her to consider 'it'. He said he knows she doesn't like him but it's okay. He still wants to tell her anyway. He assured her that being just friends is okay with him if she decides to no 'it'. He even asked her to take as much time as she needed to consider.He is willing to risk it again for her, who has never in any way return any of his kind and self-restraint love.

"What kind of a man is he?" she pondered. "What have I done to deserve such kind thoughts?"

One thing for sure, she certainly feels special. She had come across numerous admirers over the years and this isn't like she would magnify any forms of attention given to her by members of the opposite sex. She is just honestly flattered and impressed this time.

And what would she say to him then?

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Saturday, November 25, 2006

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

I really want to finish my story.

Each time I wrote a part, it took me about 3 hours, with editing and enhancements, without any distractions.

I am married now....my husband and I hardly spend a waking moment apart. I m still waiting for a time I get to write for long long long long hours until I m sick of reading myself.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Part 6 - The Unresolved Conflict

Year 2001 started.

KK and I very naturally found our ways back to each others life once again. Both of us resolved in the name of the new millenium to cut off all the entanglements of our past and start clean. And finally for the first time in the history of our relationship, it was just us. And we stayed that way for a long time. But did I finally enjoy that relationship?

I, on my part, was totally committed to him. I had given my heart fully to him. I would do anything...compromised, sacrificed in all inconvenience to make sure he would never leave me again. But strangely, no matter what I did, I was still unconvinced about his devotion to me. No matter how many times he reassured me with his words and actions, in my heart I kept sensing that one day, he would still betray everything he said. Trust was absent.

That summer, we went to an all night prayer vigil at the Lutheran's Chapel. God spoke and gave me a vision of my FEET touching the ground of many places, specifically bringing the gospel just like in Romans 10:15. If I were not involved with KK, I would be jumping with excitement and hope and maybe even in tears but that night, I was so traumatized. I had given up my dream of going on missions because I was terribly afraid KK would not be willing to go. I really hoped that it would not come to past because being with KK was more important already then. So, I didnt tell him anything about the vision because I couldnt trust him nor God to deal with that information. And even I eventually forgot about it too (until 2003).

Meanwhile KK also graduated that year. I met his family, both biological, and spiritual when we went back to Malaysia for a summer break. We were in a sense going 'steady' and official with important people of our lives. However in my heart there was still a big gap. I wanted a more substantial planning for our future. KK just graduated and even though he already had a job, he wasnt established enough that he could make out realistic plans of what he had. But I took it as an excuse for not wanting to make more defined commitments.

I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didnt really evaluate my own readiness if I even knew what marriage means. Everyone else were getting married while they were still students, so why not KK and I? I was not happy enough that we were going to get married. I wanted to know WHEN exactly that would happen.

It was the ongoing conflict that went on from 2001 till we finally broke up in 2003. That was the overall climate of our relationship during the whole time.

KK returned for good to Malaysia July 5th, 2002. I was trying to finish up with my graduate studies so that I could also make further plans. KK was hoping that I would return and join him in Malaysia as soon as I finished my degree. Then we could make plans. But I had other thoughts.

Winter Break 2002. I went to Malaysia to visit KK. I had an ultimatum for him. I wanted him to decide on when to tie the knot and I offerred to go back to Malaysia 6 months before the date, otherwise, I shalt remain in America and pursue my own career and life until he was ready. It was my reasonable request and offer. I didnt want to break up with him but I didnt want to keep waiting. I would not let myself to return to Malaysia with uncertainty and regrets. And for him, it was absurdity to put a wedding date before he knew how I'd adjust to the Malaysian life. And for my own goodness sake, I shouldnt burden myself with marriage while learning to live as a Malaysian once again.

Guess what? I still couldnt accept his reasons and he couldnt accept mine. Go figure. And Year 2002 ended.

Three months later, he called and apologized saying that he still couldnt give in to my request and since the conflict was serious, we'd better seek God what we both should do next, laying aside our plans to get married and even asked if we were supposed to even get married. Even though I was disappointed, but I thought that was fair enough. I should seriously be asking God what I should do after finishing school, anyway.

Then missions came to mind. It was then, or never.

I was leaning very strongly towards DTS offerred by YWAM. After discussing with Neek, an ex dtser, he encouraged me to seek God for that specific base. He told me too that I was supposed to simplify my life, i.e. take a break from any special relationship and commitment as that was required by his school. I thought, couldnt that be a better timing. So, my heart was set for YWAM.

And during that quest for the right base, God reminded me of the vision in the summer of 2001, the day after I received an info packet from YWAM Hong Kong which I almost discard after I saw their DTS fees. The second time I took the packet out from the envelope again, my eyes caught the four letter word FEET imprinted on an very unimpressive grey brochure (which they still used until today). Not only that, Romans 10:15 was also printed on the front of the brochure. I was almost sure God wanted me not only to do a DTS but also FEET and not only that, he wanted me to do DTS in Hong Kong specifically even though it was so freaking expensive. I couldnt believe how fast God answered my question. It was as though He had everything lined up for me, just waiting me to pop that question.

When I looked back, it was really good for me that KK made that call. My three years in YWAM HK was the best years Ive ever lived.

Back to 2003....
I made my discovery known to KK. He was indifferent about it. Later he made another call that was to call off the relationship altogether. I was so sad. I wanted a good reason and he couldnt give me any and I hadnt done anything wrong. We've both agreed to seek God and God didnt say I should return to Malaysia. I was left without a proper understanding of his decision.

But when he said these words " I dont think you are not the one I m supposed to be fighting for", my fury was ignited. He had crossed the line. It didnt matter if I understood his reasons anymore. That was our last conversation that year.

I took my time to process through the entire relationship from the beginning. Since Ive gotten involved with KK in 1999 till 2003, how much of those times had I been truly happy? My unhappy days far outnumbered my happy days. Why should a smart girl like me put up with that kind of torture? When seriously think about it, I was unhappy whether he was in or out of my life. So, since I was already unhappy, why should I insist on it or even try to understand the madness?

It was a good time of cleansing and repentance. I finally decided to rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God. I gathered all the memories, gifts, pictures of KK and stashed them away in a shoebox. I almost performed a funeral service for it but my best friend Tayo laughed at my suggestion.

I looked forward to what I had already known for me then. A new adventure in Hong Kong.

I had nothing to lose anymore.

And in fact, since then, Ive not lost. My lose-lose predicaments had turn into win-win stakes. God did a lot!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Part 5 - Insecurity

Winter of 1999 was cold. It was very much the opposite of 1998's. There wasnt the slightest warmth to be found. My heart was as cold as the winter snow. Even though we had decided to take a break until OneDay 2000, I really missed KK. I really wished I had treated him better, and was more considerate of how he felt. But due to pride, I couldnt tell him my regrets. I went through with what we'd agreed on.

KK went home for Christmas and there he faced his ex crush who then was eager enough to start a relationship with him. She started to talk to me one day. We had a friendly heart to heart about KK. I was torn. She was a nice girl, and I even liked her. But I just couldnt bear the thought of KK with her. Life took a very wrong twist for three of us. If only whatever that happened in winter 1998 didnt happen, KK would not hesitate to start a relationship with her right then. I became the stumbling block, the hindrance. And I myself could have married CC. The timing was wrong for all four of us. The dramas of the love geometry....

That winter I knew jealousy. It was a new experience. Even though KK didnt pursue a relationship with her and she even gave up on the possibility, the hurt was still unbearable. Over the following two months, I lost a third of myself. I just didnt feel hungry anymore for a long time. All I felt was pain, and it took over everything else I was capable of feeling.

I didnt know where I got the idea that being sad and "loving" someone that much was shameful. In a strange way, I felt ashamed to feel so hurt that I was desperately trying to hide my sadness. So I moved on and ignored the pain by participating in lots of activities on campus to widen my social circle. In that few months I developed an uncontested talent in hiding my true feelings from everyone.

My relationship with KK during that time was really awkward. We saw each other lots but just couldnt talk much. The mutual attraction was obvious and we were trying hard to control ourselves until one Saturday in April (2000) I accepted his invitation to go on a fishing trip. So, by that semi frozen lake, he asked if we could resume our relationship. We drove home rejoicing. We promised ourselves to not repeat the past mistakes and not to take that opportunity for granted.

True enough, I was happy that KK was mine again. Unfortunately, I didnt know how to deal with my hurt properly. I either ignored them or denied them. Jealousy and insecurity has taken root and the doubt concerning his true feelings and motives continued to linger. I was chosen because of proximity. I wondered if both of us (me and his ex crush) were present, would he still choose me over her? He got really upset whenever I brought this issue up. Insecurity remained. I therefore could not trust him with my heart. I reserved a lot of myself to myself. Hurt continued to build.

I guess that is the reason I continued my friendship secretly through email with CC who had then stopped coming to see me every weekend. I even felt like I could be more transparent with CC but with KK, I was just really afraid to talk to him about anything.

KK and I had a serious problem with our relationship that nobody else seemed to notice. Besides our problem, we worked really well in ministry. That summer we and other comrades like Tayo, Christopher, Edmond, and others started an off campus summer evangelistic movement (known passionately as Lincoln Revival Team), outreaching the international students in our neighborhood. We studied the bible, worshipped, interceeded, led people to Jesus, took long distance trips, played sports, and made lots of food for the community. We even bought a Camry together and drove lots of people to church. Basically we were too busy to take care of our problem.

Then fall came, summer activities ceased and we were facing the reality of our relationship again. Through my insecurity and desire to avenge my own hurt, I had provoked KK to jealousy by befriending guys whom he felt threatened by. I guess the truth was, the insecurity wasnt just one sided. Through all these struggles, he decided to call the relationship off once again with the reason he wasnt good enough for me. In the middle of that, he found out about my secret correspondence with CC and went ballistic especially when he discovered I borrowed money from CC to help him with the downpayment of our car. The insult was too heavy for a man to handle but I couldnt accept his anger at me because to me, I was just asking a friend who wanted to return a favor. When CC first came back to NE, he had no money and I helped him to start off before he received his paycheck.

KK and I refused to understand and see the situation from another's perspectives. In anger, he swore off any possibility of us getting back again. I remember that afternoon he came to pick me from college to send me back to my apartment. We talked inside our car from 230 pm till 5 the next morning. I guess when the finality was there that the relationship was out of the picture, the threat of letting him know how I truly felt wasnt there anymore. Maybe that was true for him too. So, that accounted for our more than 12 hours long of heart-to-heart.

We finally had some insights of what was going on in each other's deeper self. But everything was over. KK had sworn me off forever and I respected his boundary.

Soon enough, CC heard about my 'final' breakup with KK. He decided to take his chance. He came and offerred to marry me after I finished with my advanced degree. Not only that, he offerred to let me raise our children to be christians. I rejected him. He didnt give up. The next day, he called and offered to believe in Jesus. I understood something. He was determined to do anything to have me back in his life. I had no choice but to be 'cruel'. I told him, we could no longer be communicating. I could not let him get his hopes up in an impossibility.

Winter of 2000 arrived rather quietly. There, my heart was once again, as cold as the snow. If that were the last time I had to deal with that kind of finality, it might not be so bad. But very unfortunately, that wasnt the case.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Part 4 - The Guilt

On April 2nd, CC returned. Those who were 'watching' this drama, began to speculate. It looked like KK didnt have such upperhand anymore. What would Angeline do then? It would be interesting to see my responses and decisions.

It was only a month away from my own graduation. CC said, we should just get a marriage license. Being his spouse, I would be able to get lots of benefits from his employment, especially with insurance policies. He got a job and was very confident to promise me a good life. I, on the other hand, contemplated. I did not agree nor disagree.

KK had lost his hopes since the news of CC returning was broken to him. But to me, the return of CC didnt change anything. I had already rejected KK, I wasnt excited to "marry" CC. I wanted to get out of the relationship, but it was getting more complicated. It would definitely looked like I did it because I wanted to be with KK. There was no way to explain myself.

I kept things cool between CC, and KK, until graduation came. CC came to Lincoln to attend my graduation and met with my parents. Being a hardcore agnostic, he would not open himself to Christianity. He and my parents had a bitter argument about love and religion. I felt sorry for him but at the same time proud that he stood on his ground.

Privately, my mother warned me that I should not agree to marry him unless he was willing to be a Christian. In my own mind, I thought, what does she know? She warned me about KK as well. Even though KK is a Christian, but I should not start a relationship with him either. Again I thought, what does she know?

I gave CC a long phone call. Basically I told him what my mom said. He cried. I didnt know what to do.

The next day, I gave him another call. I told him, things would not work out between us. He asked me, why. I said, I like KK even though Ive decided not to have a relationship with him. He replied, he doesnt care, there's still no need to break up. Ive graduated and I can leave Lincoln and everything else behind to be with him. Then I said, I am going to Arkansas with KK first, attending his sister's graduation. He said, that's fine with him too. He will wait.

Then, I finally realized something. There was no way CC would release me. He wouldnt do so 6 months ago, what made me think he would then. He was at a much better place, and could give much better offer. He was there with a promising career, an upperhand. There was no reason I should chose KK over him at that point. And I besides all that, could not find a single flaw with his character that deserves a dump.

There I decided to give in to KK's pursuit, to everyone's shock again. They were so sure I would choose CC.

KK and I went to Arkansas together as an involved couple. It was a relief to me, being able to freely express all the affections I had been holding for him for so long. But, at the same time, I was overwhelmed with guilt over my betrayal of CC. Countless times I was in KK's embrace crying profusely over my breakup with CC.

I broke the news to CC, who then wouldnt even get angry at me. My guilt grew heavier and heavier. Because of that guilt, I allowed CC to remain a friend. I allowed him to visit me every weekend (even though he never did the whole time he was back in Ne before we broke up).

Because of that guilt, my emotions and mind went beserk. I compared KK with CC all the time. Because of guilt, I could only see the good side of CC and I compared them with KK's weaknesses. Many times, KK and I blew up at each other. These were all new to me. CC and I hardly had any conflicts, not to say a blowup. There were dramatic demonstrations of anger that I'd only seen in the soap operas.

I did lots of hurtful things to KK, like insiting on meeting up with CC and even staying a night at CC's apartment when I was on my way to Chicago for a conference and flying through Omaha. I even brought CC to TGAN's fall camp one time. I told KK, CC and I were just friends, just like I was friends with him while I was still in a relationship with CC, and that he should not stop me from being his friends. Afterall, I had selfishly broken off the relationship with him and I felt the need to compensate him with something.

KK and I went in and out of relationships several times over that summer and fall. By winter, we decided that we had had it. We needed to take a longer time off from each other, processing through the events of that year.

1999 winter break, KK went home for holidays. It was just a year from winter 1998. So many things had changed and were changing. Whatever happened during that winter break, likewise, changed me, and the dynamics of our relationship.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Part 3 - The Dilemma

Soon enough, Zoe started to notice that KK was treating me differently, like whenever we were together, he would not take his eyes off me but follow me everywhere I go. There was only one explanation. But, I denied the possibility... mainly because I didnt want to face the consequences. I was definitely selfish. I enjoyed his company, his attention but....

I didnt care much of what other people would think. By then, I was sure most people knew I was two-timing, especially my housemates as I would chat online with KK everynight. Wherever I was, he was there, as my roomate Wendy would say, "He is 'stuck' to me like a leech". Whatever relationship that was, there was already a problem of codependence. However, I was good at keeping a strict physical boundary between us. And I did not talk to him about my feelings or had given him any opportunity for that kind of discussion. So, there was no way anyone or I could say, we were being more than just friends. Officially I still belonged to Chern Chuan and even though I was crazy about KK, I couldnt permit myself to betray him.

I didnt keep my relationship with KK a secret from CC either. On the phone, I told him that I had grown especially close with KK while he was away. All he said to me was he trusted me. He saw nothing wrong with me having a really close guy friend even though I already had a boyfriend. He could accept that. At that I told him he could trust me that I would remain faithful to him....whatever that meant.

At that point, I told myself, "CC is a good guy and he is good to me. Love is a choice not just this crazy feeling. I was once infatuated with CC, the feeling has faded, and we've already agreed on this a long time ago, even when our feelings fade, we will continue to hold on to our decisions to stay together". There was no way I could find a reason to break that commitment.

March came, and there was spring break. KK invited me to go with the college students at his church (we were attending different church then) to Pensacola, FL to visit that famous Brownsville Revival Church. I accepted his offer. I think I lost all my sanity there. For the first time, I allowed myself to be held by him for comfort (it was a 3-day roadtrip!!!!). Not only that, I let that affection be seen in public!!! I was insane, alright.

A few of the TGAN people were in serious shock because all those while they thought KK was interested in Zoe. Well, it was hard to tell when we all hung out together. And of course some were outraged at the new found scandal. It would have been ok with them if I had a proper breakup with CC. And that had failed to happen!! The pressure came on him as he was one of the core leaders of TGAN to sort things out.

KK's college pastor then also approached and questioned him about his relationship with me. After learning all the background dramas, he grinned and encouraged KK to take his chance. First, CC wasnt a Christian; second, he was gone; and third, my ring finger was clean. Think about the benefits, he said, Angeline gets to remove herself from a wrong relationship, and you get yourself a hot chicken...life is all about competition and apparently you have an upperhand. It's time to make a move.

And that brought us to the very memorable meeting at Wendy's, March 22nd 1999. (I only remember it because that was the day my grandmother died). There KK officially confessed his feeling and desire to be my boyfriend. And I confessed my liking of him but had to decline his offer because I need to remain loyal to CC.

Yes, I was selfish. I didnt realize his awkwardness and disappointment after that. I was pretty much assuming things between us would stay the same. And to me, it did.

A week later, CC informed me he's gotten a job at Blue Cross and Blue Shield Omaha through an email interview. (More craziness). He said, he didnt want to tell me earlier about the possibility of coming back, afraid that I would get my hopes up and then disappointed if he failed to get the job. I was really touched. Where would anyone find a man like that?

So four months after he left, Chern Chuan returned to Nebraska, into the middle of my dilemma.
Shouldnt the dramas be kept on the stage?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

A "love" story - part 2

Before I continue, I need to shift gear and share about my relationship Chern Chuan during Fall 1998.

Like I said, I was VERY busy. I was heavily involved with NUMSA (Nebraska University Malaysian Student Association), which Chern Chuan was a dissociate, never attended any of its functions or gatherings. And he wasnt anymore interested in TGAN since he wasnt a Christian. Naturally, it became strange for me that he was even my boyfriend because we hardly saw each other nor our lives had anything to do with each other.

One day, I said to him, "We should end the nominal relationship. Obviously we are doing very well absent from each others lives. Since you are graduating and leaving and we dont know what future holds, let's just part ways here. This is the most rational and good ending for this relationship". He responded as calmly as I did, "No, let's not do that. There's no need for a breakup because there arent any disagreements, arguments or things like that. Our relationship is great and we are both very understanding of each other. Breakup like this is just too strange for me. I dont know what to think about it" .

I did not insist. Whether I broke up with him or not, I didnt see how it affect my life then. On the other hand, I wasnt planning on having another boyfriend. I sort of hoped to marry Chern Chuan someday even though I didn't see how it would happen...not because I didnt trust that he would marry me, rather because marriage wasnt a desperate thing on my 21 year old mind. So, I let myself continue in that relationship.

Chern Chuan graduated and left Lincoln on Christmas Eve, 1998.

Something happened in the next two weeks of that 3-week fateful winter break.

It was during that winter break, I "reconciled" with the TGANites (KK, Tayo, Christopher and Zoe) , getting involved with their activities. We spent lots of time together making meals, doing groceries, praying, having end-of-the-year parties, going to church etc. Especially with KK, I began to have long conversations with him and found out our common grounds...eg, he grew up in a catholic all boys schools and me in all girls', and both of us grew up as church musicians...etc.

1998 ended.

Remembering correctly, it was in the beginning of January 1999, at KK's room I whispered to Zoe, "I dont know why, I am strangely drawn to KK." I knew Zoe will be shocked. She was. I was. Nobody saw that coming. Chern Chuan just left for 2 weeks. It was insanity. So she asked, "So, what are you going to do?". "Nothing. Besides this is just my feelings. I am sure he will never be interested in me. There's no reason he should be. First, he is a holy leader of TGAN and I am still living with a bunch of pagans and I still have a pagan boyfriend. He can pick a better girl easily anyday." I rationalized. Zoe agreed and we both laughed.

Winter break was over. I was having withdrawal big time. Suddenly, I didnt get to eat, play and pray with the TGANites everyday anymore. Most unbearably, I missed seeing KK. I wondered if he liked me..even a bit.

But, what good is that going to do if he does?
Do I like him enough to leave Chern Chuan?
Why do I even like him?
Am I crazy already?

All those mind torturing questions...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A "love" story from Angeline's memory

There was just nothing special about 1998. I was a plain 21-year-old senior at the UNL, busy with everything else but God. There was absolutely nothing significant, nothing interesting about it as I lived through the whole year unsuspectingly. Only until much later, enlightenment came. Every seemingly trivial and random thing, gradually evolved, formed a greater definition and as of now leading towards 11.11.06 until death separates us.

Kah Kheng came to Nebraska for the Spring 98 semester. He introduced himself to the Sunday School which we attended at Christ's Place Church. "What a strange name, strange face, and strange hair", I thought, "a new Malaysian student...rare enough that he's a christian, I'm sure he will be asked to get involved with TGAN ( a Christian chapter started by international students, primarily Malaysians) soon". I was a TGAN musician then, for no surprise.

My second encounter with Kah Kheng was at Selleck Kitchen. I was working part time washing dishes with my then boyfriend Chern Chuan who was the dishroom supervisor that night. So there was this new student worker (KK) coming to work every Wednesday night now. The only reason I took notice of him was that he was a record slow. Our usual clockout time was around 745p and had never worked past 8 unless there was a special dinner. And the rule was no one leaves until everyone's done. It was 815p and even though Chern Chuan was helping KK scratching the pots, we were all still in the kitchen. I remember being so angry and wanted to leave. But Chern Chuan being the kind but fair dishroom leader wouldnt allow me. We waited and waited and finally we clocked out at 825p!!! Outside the kitchen, I spat fire and brimstones at Chern Chuan who gently defended KK and at the same time trying to calm me down. A couple weeks later, KK quitted his shift. It's not easy being Selleck's dishroom crew.

I have no memory of bringing KK from Selleck to Kimball Music Hall for TGAN meeting as he remembered. From my memory, he was already there with Shannon waiting for me to arrive. So there, we officially met (when I told him my name for the first time), shook hands, at Kimball Music Hall, for worship practice. Shannon had invited him to be our guest musician that night. I remember seeing him tuning his guitar with a tuner. It was the first time in my life to see a guitar tuner. "Oh my gosh", I thought, "this guy is a guitar geek"! Real respect and admiration for him suddenly came. I was more open to the possibility of friendship. Even so, we still hardly talk. I remember the same night, we walked back to Selleck together without a single word being exchanged.

Summer came. There was an internal chaos in the leadership of Malaysian student association. Many events were coming up but there was no official committee assigned to plan for the logisitics. The newly chosen leader sent out a word, requesting the Malaysian community to volunteer themselves to serve temporarily during the summer until the next official election. I signed up for it. So did KK.

My next close encounter with KK was during that first temporary committee meeting. While we were waiting for all the volunteers to come, I overheard some of the conversations between him and his friends. I learnt what he was like from how they talked. "Oh my goodness....how immature and arrogant these boys are!", I thought to myself and I even remember thinking this specifically "Thank goodness, my own boyfriend isn't like them at all"! From that time onwards, I made a mental decision, leaning towards not liking KK.

Almost the end of that summer, something came up again. I was away for a few days attending a Food Technologist conference in Atlanta. He was doing a summer school in Arizona. Both of us happened to be absent for the same volunteers meeting. Because of that the group made a decision without us that both of us would be organizing a welcoming party for the new students. I was less than happy about it mainly because I didnt know KK at all and I was forced to work together with him. Being his senior, I had an upper hand in controlling the scene. I delegated the work in such way that we need minimal contact. The party went decent and we again parted ways minding our own business.

That fall, I withdrew myself from TGAN's involvement and became Special Project Executive for the Malaysian Student Association. Within expectation, KK took over my position in TGAN as the music director. Life had become busier. I quitted my job at Selleck and worked 40 hours at a lab in my department. This was during the Asian Economic Crisis where students from affected countries were allowed to work full time and study part time. Very often, KK would persuade me to go back to TGAN by inviting me to play for worship. So, I became even busier.

It was also during that time we developed a online friendship. I was on the computer a lot....doing homework, typing papers, downloading music, being a geek...etc. We would send instant messages back and forth as we did our homework. So, in that geekiness, we somewhat connected. He was rather likable, surprisingly. Even so, he was still more an acquaintance than a friend then.

We rode to Des Moines together for IVCF's Fall conference, with Zoe and Brian. That was the most memorable conference. Even putting God far behind my mind, I felt his call twice in that weekend, TO GO TO THE LOST. I recall standing beside KK one morning at a service. I stole a look at his face and I saw his tears when someone on the stage challenged us to go on missions. "What a guy" I thought, "I bet he really loves God". Anyway, even until today, we've not talked about it.

Despite what he wrote, in my memory and in my heart, KK finally became my friend that weekend.

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I am back...

with polka dots and white background, mucho relief to my eyes.
to my dashboard which i ignored for 10 days.
on my pills which i always almost forgot to take.
listening to Jay Chow and Michael Wong.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

This Saturday I...

bought gifts for my bridesmaids,
bought gifts for my groom,
bought hair claws for myself,
developed more photos,
ate Indian food with Caryl,
chatted with Judy for almost 2 hours,
felt tired but accomplished.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

If we werent missionaries...

We would be...(from my interviews with the following...)

Tryfina - a Bollywood star
Godwin - a Kholiwood star
Catherine - a Housewife with a few kids
Sophia - an Inmate
Anna - a Stripper
Faby - a Mafia Mama, probably selling drugs
Me - either a Secret Agent or an Assasin.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

My past life 2

I cant really give a confident yes that I like my major. Ive always stumbled when people asked me why I chose to study Food Science and Technology...and then a Masters Degree? Then the regular question, is that about nutrition and diet, what food is good and bad for you, etc? I rolled my eyes. NO.

These are the aspects of food science (at least at UNL)....

Molecular pathogenesis, chemical & physical stress responses
Mycology, Mycotoxins, Microbial food safety
Lipid and Natural Antioxidant Chemistry
Food allergies and Immunochemical methods
Food Biotechnology, Microbiology, Processing, Engineering, Physical Properties
Studies of food commodities: Dairy, Egg Products, Cereals, Fruits & Veg, Fermented foods, Fresh and Processed Meats.
Food Law (FDA, USDA)
Enzymology, Protein chemistry
Analytical Methods Development, Nutraceuticals
Sensors for Food Quality & Safety

Most of the research especially the areas of food microbiology, mycology and allergy are so heavily medical oriented that it wont even cross your mind that this is what food scientists do.

Food is very cultural. As a Asian, I actually struggled a lot liking some of the courses. I took Dairy Products one semester and almost flunked. Almost dropped Animal Science too. I was told that the class was easy...so I took it. I realised I had to make some background adjustments. The people that said AnSci was easy were those cowboys growing up in Ne farms. Ive never seen a cow in my life! Imagine my horror of looking at different meat cuts and then name the muscles on those cuts for my exam!! Despite all these difficulties, I managed to gain some appreciation for fine cheeses.

Looking at those, seemingly Food Science was not the best course choice for me, but God redeemed it in many other ways. God's presence was with me the whole time. I met so many outstanding individuals in this department and received favors from them. Professors that did research in similar areas collaborated with each other, shared their findings, lab equipments and encouraged interactions among their students. No immaturity. We treated each other like family. There was no slander, no gossips about anyone, any professors. That was very uncommon in science departments where professors were often in competition and suspicious of each other, afraid and jealous that the others would get more grants for their projects that they disallowed their students to talk to any of their rivals' students.

We were also very international. About 99% of post graduate students were international students. Even then we get along well with our very culturally sensitive American hosts. Because of that, the department threw potlucks every now and then and invited students from each nation to prepare their food to share with everyone. The fun thing was we all prepared the food in our own food grade lab in the department.

That was an amazing community with more godly things going on than some churches that I know. I really miss it like home. And actually it WAS home. As a graduate student, I was given a key that unlocks every entrance to the building that I could access the building any hour I want.

Like I said a lot of times...God is good to me. NE was a gift. Food science department was a divine gift! What did I learn from this experience?
Sometimes, the impersonal things may not seem fitting, but great personal beings make the experience worth living.

How do you like your department in college?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

wedding pictures

dear anonymous,
the photos were taken at Armadale Bespoke studio house at Damansara Heights, Malaysia. you likey huh?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Responses to what Caryl knows about angeline by angeline

she bought really really sexy underwear for her future husband. Yes, I am surprised as well.
He worked so hard to plan for the wedding. That's the least Angeline can do to show appreciation.

She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
The way to most people's heart is through the stomach...Angeline knows it well.

she's very huggable, and loveable.
Undeniable fact. She thinks she is a cat...sometimes a toy cat.

she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
Actually she doesnt mind coming in as long as nothing crazy happens...but that hasnt been the case.

She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
She sometimes wonder why it is so hard to convince Caryl....while everyone else just complied.

she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
Actually she hates the fact she is leaving Caryl. boo hoo hooo. She loves Caryl very very very much too.

she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
Only for Caryl as a joke...she didnt buy them, she just happened to get them for free..lucky her.

she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
That's a compliment!

she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
She loves to play smartcat and she just couldnt help it. This is by far the strongest influence of KK in her.

she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
They were so good together! She wished they were trinity forever.

she is very organized when she wants to be.
That's another compliment. She figured she wouldnt be so loveable being a compulsive organizer.

for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
Some of the invalid reasons being, she loves to leap down and climb up to her territory like a cat, and she knew no one else would prefer the top bunk over the bottom.

she's good at backrubs
And Caryl is good at receiving them.

she loves chinese food
To eat them and to make them.

she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
She wished she could play faster and better but I guess she is pleased with what she's got there.

she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
She wants people to think she is actually very dangerous if anyone wanted to mess with her. STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP !!!!!

she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
Her cat nature....besides the fish was really good.

she is a maniac driver on the bike.
Biking..she misses biking. She had an SR with her bike (suddenly nolstalgic)

she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.
Nevertheless, she IS a good girl. :)

things I know about angeline by Caryl

she bought really really sexy underwear for her future husband. Yes, I am surprised as well.
She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
she's very huggable, and loveable.
she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
she is very organized when she wants to be.
for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
she's good at backrubs
she loves chinese food
she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
she is a maniac driver on the bike.
she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.

Okay enough of praising angeline. She just said "is THAT ALL"?

If you know more add your own. Just write a note to her blog. She'll love it!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Working on day off 3

Phone rang about 730am. Meliza came in and said, Jonathan was on the phone for me. Another episode in the series of Kitchen Horrors was about to begin.......

Jonathan: Are you coming to prepare the breakfast with us?
Me: No. I left you and Jay the instructions to make chicken pot pie. Didnt you see it? Just follow them and you will be ok. It is very easy.
Jonathan: I am not really confident and I dont see the chicken pie recipe. I dont know where things are.
Me(annoyed): This is my day off....
Jonathan: Ok...


I went back up to my bunk. I wanted to sleep more....my bottom bunkmate moaned whole last night and this morning...whine whine whine whine whine and whine....

I jumped back down and went to the kitchen. They were both looking at the Nasi Lemak recipe, probably almost in tears. I told them...no, we are not making that. The instruction you were supposed to look at is on the counter as I pointed and to my amazement, it wasnt there. Good thing I came down. So, the next few minutes I was looking frantically for the instructions. Then I gave up. I went to the computer and reprinted the recipe. I could not understand how the paper just disappeared. The strangest thing happened. I didnt know how I was suddenly inspired to look under the microwave. There I pulled out the instruction that I left on the counter the night before.


This joke was NOT FUNNY. I dont want to find out who did it because forgiveness is very challenging now.

Anyway, I ended up staying with them until the pie was out of the oven. Instruction wouldnt have helped anyway. They didnt know how to boil the chicken...how to tell if the chicken was cooked, where to look for frozen vegetables, where to look for anything!

In the afternoon, I spat all the fire and brimstones at Faby. She finally said, they will continue to rely on me as long as I am in the kitchen. I need to just not be around, and they will HAVE TO figure things out by themselves.

I took the advice. Afterall I want to be by myself today so that people are safe. Cant even remember the last time I went to Yuen Long completely detached from business.

So I went there and decided to be generous on myself after all my hardwork....I bought 3 amazingwears and 4 scandalouswears. The base will get to see the amazingwears but only my husband gets to see the scandalouswears.

Finally, my fury subsided.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

My SR (only used this term in ywam)

5 months post engagement, and 4 months towards the big day. This long distance SR (since Nov 2005) is getting so REAL. What they said about the hardship of intimate relationship is true to me experientially (<--no such word).

There were disagreements;
There were issues of the past;
There were failure of seeing from the other's perspective;
There were unintentional offenses due to PMS;
There were misunderstanding due to ineffective communications;
There were long arguments;
There were tears;
There were sleepless nights; and
There were even the occasional fear of "what if I could get along with anyone on the face of the earth except my only husband".

But, there was never malicious words;
Never unforgiveness;
Never disrespect; and
Never a doubt about this coming marriage.

There was always love;
Always joy;
Always peace;and
Always trust;
But especially love.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Working on day off 2

This is far worse than the first.

I knew I could not possibly have a real day off especially when that was a less than 24 hour notice. Today was a food run day, not just any food run but Culture Night food run. I wasnt ready for this yesterday. Could have done everything last night but I was dead by dinner time. So, I thought..better come in after a night's rest to pick up the ends.

My anger tonight has everything to do with Wellcome Delivers. They dont. I was expecting this delivery yesterday afternoon! I missed it because I was in class. So, I had to come in today for that too. I waited the whole morning till 2pm and I couldnt wait any longer. I called them up. They rescheduled the delivery till 6-8pm tonight. That was fine. Got a check from Joe and was ready for it.

I finished organizing the food run and sent the crew off by 4. Things were normal in the kitchen too. Just when I thought I could get out of here and come back before 6, it started raining. By the time it stopped it was almost 6.

So I sat in here and waited. And waited.

Its past 10 o clock now. I am so angry. This has never happened before! I could just ignored them and go to bed but the dilemma is, I ran out of milk, rice, cereals.... If I missed them again tonight, there will be a famine tomorrow.

So angry.

Like Jonah said, I am angry enough to die.


Monday, July 24, 2006


Ok. I was born in year 1977. According to the Chinese zodiac, that was the year of the lucky snake. As you know, Chinese new year never falls on the first of January. They are usually between around end of January to mid February every year.

Anyway, mom delivered me two weeks before schedule so I was born right before the Spring Festival of 1977 and closely but slickly avoided the year of the snake. So according to my own superstitious intepretation, throughout my whole life, I am supposed to slickly avoid snakes. I hate them!!! They are ugly, creepy and scary.

Tonight as I was going on a walk, I saw three dead snakes within 1 mile!!! If I were 11 years old, I would be crying in fright. Since I am not, I am just disturbed.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Na qi ya

Last year while we were on outreach, Fifi and I discovered a long historical drama about Nurhaci, the hero that unified the warring Manchurian tribes and established an empire that eventually evolved into the Qing dynasty. The drama was based on true history but kinda twisted with romance and stuff like that. Among the fictional characters, my favorite one was the one called Naqiya (picture), playing one of the many Nurhaci's women...but was never married to him because he executed her father (his excuse for not wanting to marry her).

Anyway, recently I discovered the blog the actor that plays Naqiya and impressive to me, she is so down to earth just like any one of us, non public figures. She writes lots about her family, her work, her friends, and even posted candid shots of them.

So for the sake of it, I linked her blog to my site...to remember a favorite character from my most favorite historical based soap opera.


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Old pictures (click on them for larger view)

Judging the age of the little baby his mom(second from right) was holding , Angeline was probably just 2 years old. Notice that there are a few things that have not changed since...
She still thinks she is cute.
She still insists to sit on laps.

She still plays with fluffy toys.

Now from the date stamp, Angeline was 13. A few things have changed...
She has a lot longer hair now.
She weighs a lot more than that now.
She doesnt have the habit of wearing extremely large mens tshirts anymore.

Monday, July 17, 2006

My prominent weakness

I usually blog about my external life. I am a superficial person. Maybe I can have a change today.

Here is my heart, which almost feels like death because there seems like a wall surrounding it. There is hindrance in worship times, I cant concentrate. And there is hindrance in quiet times, I cant concentrate either. I am not exactly sure what this place is. Usually when I am lost, I can feel God's presence relatively quickly. But I think now I am just wrapped in self-sufficiency.

God, I am here to repent. Give my heart a life.

The clock is ticking. Do I have enough time to get to know myself deeply? Only you know this heart, where it has been and what it has gone through. I dont want to recall the past struggles, the threatening voices, and of course all the hurt that went unspoken. Why cant I just admit that I hurt? Why cant I just own up to my own feelings? Now, I cant be this way. The more I try to avoid, the more I am distanced from myself and so the more I am lost. It is disastrous to bring a superficial self into a permanent union.

He has given me his heart to which I have vowed to protect with my own life. But how do I give my own heart to him? How will I respond if he ever hurt me? How do I hold myself from the temptation of hurting him back?

God help me.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

A random visitor

Yesterday, Man Lok from last year's COR came to visit the base with her dad and brother. Because everyone else was engaged with business, I had to chat with them to be polite.

Man Lok's dad introduced himself as KK. It was alright. We continued to small chat. Apparently he owns some property in Shui Mei Tsuen, and he is not a Tang!!! He bought over the land from the Tangs in the 70s but never really did anything with it and now he is trying to draft some papers so that the property can be rented properly.

I thought that was interesting.

When I told them my wedding date, he was intrigued. He said, hey that's my wedding anniversary. I then replied, hey you know, I am marrying a KK, in fact a KKK. He said, those are my initials too..KKK. So, is he also a computer engineer????

I thought that was interesting.

See Angeline, connecting with strangers wasnt that bad....

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Joe's birthday today

I wanted to make him a boiled egg but I couldnt get up early enough. I had practice session early in the morning because he was leading worship.

So, I made his favorite dinner, fish and chips. I needed to make tartar sauce but we dont have sweet pickled relish. Yesterday I sent Sebastian and Jayakumar, my foodrun crew to get them but they came back with chinese pickled cucumber!!! They said they couldnt find them and the ones they have are in radish which the kitchen already has like a dozen jars of those.

So, I had to carefully wash the radish off the relish. That was the craziest thing I did today-all for Joe.

God bless the good guy.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


That is the name of my contraception pill. I have been taking this for 6 days now. No headache, no abnormal period, no cramps, no baby.

I just need a chronic habit to take them.

July 11th....Frank says, in four more months, my life will be over...

Frank: So will you remember us after you are married? Most people just lost their friends after being married because they are too busy with their new life....

Me: silence

(Dont have to be true...Ive never lost Neek even though he has been married for 2.5 years now. Actually I dont have that many very close friends that got married.)

Sunday, July 09, 2006


World Cup Final, Italy vs France.

Coincidentally, we served pasta with garlic baguette tonight.

I dont watch professional soccer. My personal soccer heroes are Chad, Kevin and maybe Keith. Bethany, Natty and Sophia were quite entertaining too. But Eugenia's kick one time (ended up hitting someone's groin and then his head) was spectacular.

Anyway, I hope the mafia wins.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Working on day off

Today, July 8th must be the most stressful day I can remember.

I woke up with a gasp. Almost 7:00 am. Thank God for 6th sense. I had that feeling if I dont go down to the kitchen and check, something really sad is going to happen. So I dived from my bunk in my pajamas (thank goodness I still have the habit of wearing a full set of undergarments), my sleeping breath, and soggy face, and dragged myself to the kitchen. Nobody was there. So I dialled the Light House really quickly. Took forever for someone to answer and finally Nicky did.

Me: Is Rebecca and Anny coming to prepare the breakfast?
Nicky: Yea actually just gonna be Anny and it is only 7am and breakfast is at 8. I told her she can go at 745. She is in the shower right now, why?
Me: Uhhh...I kinda need them to come and make some pancakes. I think they need a little more time than that. We have to make it nice because the OTF (Olympic Task Force) people might show up.
Nicky: Oh, I didnt know that. I thought it is just gonna be Feeters who arrived. We will come now!

I went and check the pantry. Not enough fruits for lunch. Panic.
I checked all the ingredients for weekend menus. Slightly short of sour cream. Panic. It started to pour. Well, twas still early. I resolved to go to town and pick up all the missing items before lunch.

Breakfast was smoothly over.

The leader of the Kona Dts came to the kitchen.
Zach: Would there be enough food for all of us (13 people)? We are thinking about having lunch here.
Me (panicked...did I miss out on this one too? Anna said to prepare for 40, does it include them? Come on Angeline, do the math....gosh, i m so dead, so confused): Uhhh....have you told Anna about this? I thought she said she only got confirmation for 6 but not the whole team.
Zach: Yea, I was having trouble getting some of the people to confirm about their meal plans until today, but I guess if there's not enough then, that's okay. We will have lunch somewhere else.
Me: I am not sure if we do..maybe just for half of your team. I am so sorry.

Sigh. That's Kona.

I checked into my little office and started ordering online for the following week so that food will be delivered to me on Monday am. It dried up. So, I left to go into town, got everything I needed. Things were starting to go right. Even the sun began to shine too. So, time to take a nap and have an afternoon off.

The phone rang. Grrr...

Me: Hello.
Ms X: Hello. Could I speak with Miss Yong?
Me: Hey Karen, stop it!!
Ms X: This is Wellcome Delivery service,.....
Me (angry): No no no no..no Wellcome today, I didnt order for delivery today!!!!
Ms X: Uhh..Miss Yong, you ordered from our website this morning?
Me (oh no. not Karen giving me a prank call. gasp) : Yeaa....
Ms X: We are sorry, we are not able to deliver on Monday morning because many of the items you ordered are not available.
Me: Well, can you deliver the ones that are availabe on Monday and the rest on Tuesday?
Ms X: Too many items..but let me check and I will confirm with you later.

I went to the kitchen and check how the lunch went. Becca said there were some leftovers. Sebastian took four servings. Greedy..but the food was enough, that was the only thing I cared.

Ms X called again. Wellcome will deliver on Tuesday only!

Check the pantry. Not enough milk, not enough cereals, not enough bread to last for Tuesday. Sigh...what kind of a kitchen manager m I? Looks like another food run is coming up tonight.

Hmm...since I have a little time, I better write up my long dued newsletter.
Interruption. Becca called.

Becca: I cant find coconut milk. I only found one can.
Me: Yea, I am sorry, I forgot about the coconut milk but there are some coconut milk powder we can use. They are all in the curry spice boxes that I bought. Just open it and you will find two packet of things inside and one should be coconut milk powder...
Becca: Uhhh.. I dont understand...
Me: Never mind I will go down and get them for you.

5pm. I went to check the kitchen crew again. I dont even want to describe how stressful it looked. I felt really bad for choosing such difficult recipes for Rebecca. Faby and So Young came to visit. Another emergency meeting in the pantry.

Me: I think this is tough for Rebecca. All her helpers are new Feeters.
Faby: Isnt Anny supposed to be here to help??
Me: The schedule says Brandon and Rebecca for dinner prep. Anny told me she is doing cleanup.
Faby: No!!! I already changed that schedule. Anna and I made it. Anny was supposed to come.
Me: I guess the Feet Staff themselves must have changed things around again. And I dont have the new work schedule in that case.
So Young: Look (pointing to the Sunday's schedule). Rachel will be mad. This is not fair. She is on all prep and clean up.

Anyway, I had to go to town for food run. While I was in Park N Shop, 6pm....
Gasp. I forgot to tell Rebecca where to find the cheese for the saag paneer. I was sure she had no idea what ricotta was. So, I quickly dialled the kitchen. She answered.

Me: Did you find the cheese you are supposed to use?
Becca: No. I couldnt find it.
Me (regretfully): I m so so so sorry I forgot to tell you. They were all in the bag in the same fridge with all the things you used today.
Becca: Oh really? I didnt know that. I wanted to call and ask you but I was too busy. So we just decided to use the regular cheese.
Me: OK. So everything is alright?
Becca: It looks bad but tastes kinda good. The mango casserole is not done yet though. But I think it is alright. The OTF are very late anyway. We havent started eating.

I have to think Greek in order to use of the really expensive but left behind goat cheese.

I think if I were my boss, I would most likely fire myself after this weekend.
What a day!. 830pm now. Gasp. Time to take the pill.

Saturday, July 01, 2006


I am back ruling the food service again.

To welcome myself back, I tried two things that I've always wanted to make but never before. Nasi Lemak and fried rice vermicelli (the Filipinos called it Pancit, and the Singaporeans called it Mihun). Both entrees gained huge popularity, especially pancit. My roomate from the Phillipines went crazy over it. On the other hand, my nasi lemak has lots to improve. My other roomate from Korea loves it because it is spicy and she misses Malaysian food. Note to self: soak the anchovies longer and more coconut milk on the rice next time!

Besides that, I think I accidentally discovered how to make Nigerian meat stew. I gave a recipe for dinner to my kitchen crew one night and the stew came out tasted just like the one Tayo made. Coolness!

Fettucine alfredo is my next new project.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pre Wedding Shots

...like i said before, i will be a really cute bride.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


Itz the end of my very condensed week in Malaysia getting prepared for my big day. Here are some of the pictures we took throughout the week.

Food on the wedding banquet.

The bouquet...

The makeup....

The gown...

The new bedroom

The rings

The dowry

and...the lucky groom!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Angeline in Malaysia

It was the first time I was asked to scan my luggages on the way out.

The first disturbing sight I saw was a Chinese woman trying to bribe the customs guy with RMBs...she speaks very little Malay and he understood no Mandarin. It seemed like he wasnt impressed...I couldnt tell if he were not happy with the amount she offered or just embarrassed because I was watching. If I werent busy trying to get my luggage which was bigger than myself off the conveyer belt, I would have taken out my camera and start snapping pictures. I was really mad!

KK came and picked me up. On the way to dinner, he took me sightseeing at Putra Jaya, the new administrative capital. I have to say that place is really impressive. For once, I am quite proud of the country.

We went to have street food because I ran out of ideas of what I feel like eating. Tofu fa and lok lok came up....delicious. It is nice to do fun things with a boyfriend. It has been years....

KK treats me sooooooooooooooooooo well. He made me feel greater than a queen. I am his beloved. I am still quite bewildered at his obsession of me. My pictures are all over his room!!! He puts a girl like me to shame. haha...I really really really really really need to get used to this. I believe I will.

Today, we started off our day praying together. I met up with his dad and siblings at breakfast. Then we drove to the studio house to pick my dresses and to talk to our photographer. I am allowed two wedding gowns for the prewedding photo shoots and a traditional chinese wedding dress. Then we went to meet up with his mom and went for hi-tea at a really fancy cafe. After that his mom and sis helped me to find a pair of shoes for the photo shoot as I have no eyes or couldnt care less for those strappy stiletto fragile and sexy looking stuff..real sigh.

Suddenly I am back and present in this family again...after 3 years. How did it all happen? It was quite simple on my side. I simply told KK what God did in my life for the past 2 years and one thing led to another.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Faby in Hong Kong

She is back.

Joy to the world and peace on earth....

Saturday, June 10, 2006

DTS 2006...and something about them

Here is Caryl, the Grand Pooba...
C for Courageous and strong-she survived 5 months with us!
A for Adventurous-she is willing to go "DEEP" into China and trek up the Great Wall in a lightning storm.
R for Really good at keeping her socks bright white and keeping us all in time during worship with her shaking egg.
Y for Young-the only YWAM leader in the world to have led over a dozen outreaches before the age of 17.
L for Loving-she shows the love of Christ to everyone she meets and regardless of the time, place, or how she is feeling, she will never fail to give you a hug that melts away your worries.

There is Keith, our Grandma...
K for Kool enough to let us call him Grandma even though he's a 21-year old guy with a beard.
E for Entertaining in every situation, especially when you feed him or if there is jiaozi in the room!
I for Incredibleat packing-the ONLY guy to be able to take no more than a day's worth of clothes on OR and make it last 2 months.
T for Talented at Chinese-even more talented at making them think that he knows what they're saying when he has no idea.
H for Hot...on fire for God-a real man after God's heart with a passion for the Hui people.

and Angel, who is blogging this...
A for Always provides entertainment with her cat-like ways (the way she purrrs her "Rs" and pounces for a snuggle.
N for Never fails to try to get us where we need to go, even though she has no idea how to get there.
G for Gorgeous-with her long, long flowing hair, especially when she wraps it around her head as a turban.
E for Extremely good at ignoring the Chinese paparazzi during OR even though she's got wicked awesome Chinese skills.
L for Leads-her words are few, but her heart speaks volumes, she really exemplifies that actions speak louder than words.

Now the students...
Bethany the Encourager,
B is our Encourager. She always looked for ways to encourage her team members through words, notes, gifts, and big hugs despite claiming to be a non touchy-feely person. God used her to speak truth into our lives. She is also a good leader, leading out during Bible studies, intercession and worship times.

Gena the Congenial,
Gena is our Miss Congeniality/Gullibility. She is really fun to hang out with because she is so easy-going. She is also very generous, often offering her snacks, belongings, service, and encouragement to her team mates. Gena was super sensitive to the well being of the team and always strived to maintain right relationships with everyone.

Liz the Caring,
Liz genuinely cares about people’s feelings. She noticed people when they were down and never hesitated to pray for them on the spot. She also has a big heart for the lost and prayed passionately for them. On top of that, she is a fun loving person and her laughter is contagious.

Joelle the Conscientious,
Joelle remembers details like no one else does. She is an attentive listener and her conscientiousness had been a precious gift to the team. Even though she’s quiet, she was not shy during evangelism times. She was always on the look out for opportunities to share the gospel. She brought the gospel puzzle with her everywhere she went!

Natalie the Worshipper,
Nothing, no one, no situation stops Natty from worshipping her God. Her life speaks volumes of her adoration of Him. Her intimacy with God and unreserved devotion to Him was a huge encouragement. She was also selfless, always reaching out and putting others before herself. She is a beauty inside and out.

Sophia the Good Listener,
Sophia has normal sized ears, but watching her you would think that they were enormous because of the way she loves people and is always willing to listen. She liked doing things behind the scene i.e. reaching out to people, praying for them, and not expecting anything in return.

Chad the Go Getter,
Chad is a diehard adventurer. He did not hold back anything...speaking Mandarin, trying “strange” food, meeting strangers, and most importantly, sharing Jesus. He was also an encourager. His jovial disposition and childlike temperament brought refreshment to weary souls.

Kevin the Evangelist,
Kevin was our dedicated evangelist. He loved telling people about God and he did it very well. He so earnestly desired the lost to know Christ that he would spend days off and free time with them. He was also faithfully walking in the confidence that God placed in him.

Jesse the Sensitive Spirit, and
Jesse is caring and sensitive to people’s feelings and needs. When someone was hurting, he hurt along with him. He was there to reach out to the team. He also loved to serve and always displayed a servant’s heart.

Sebastian the Faithful Servant.
Sebastian displays quiet strength and determination. Those around him knew they could count on him to give his best no matter what the task was. He was loyal, trustworthy and diligent. He also showed willingness to grow in new areas especially in personal evangelism.

DTS 2o06 is over.
Chad is already in Nebraska, planning to go to college in Omaha.
Joelle is leaving tonight, her 21st birthday's eve...needs to rush home to celebrate.
Natty got admitted to Graduate School doing Masters in Chinese Studies. She will be living in London.
Sophia finally decided to do FEET. She is flying home for a couple of weeks to say hi to mom.
Jesse is leaving but also coming back to HK for FEET and COR...according to the 'rumor', he is applying for DTS staffship.
B is coming back in August to be my roomate.
Sebastian is staying for SOFM. Small school....I bet he is thrilled.
Gena is going back to sweet California, so is Kevin..but he has to go visit Beijing with his parents first.
Liz is flying back home to sweet Texas.
Keith's friend is coming to visit him in HK. He has all their meals planned but have minimal ideas for sightseeing.
Caryl's going home to Omaha to visit Caryl, her mom.
and Angeline is going home and get legally married.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Reentry to HK

It started to make sense why I feel unangeline these days. My mood has been unstable since I got back from OR and I was not sure why I am this way. While I was sitting here talking to Faby, the light bulb came up. Re entry is rough and it does affect unemotional people sometimes.

Here is a collection of oracles that came up during OR.

1. Have a heart for the lost, not just a desire to be involved in missions. What is your real motive, Angeline? (CS)

2. One who denies god, denies his own humanity. (KM)

3. One who put his faith in science and its discoveries will never discover his purpose in life. (KM)

4. Build a relationship with an unbelieving friend, get to know the person enough that you can envision what kind of believer the person would be. (KM)

5. It is beneficial, even crucial that a new believer should own a good study bible. (KM)

6. Compare to eternal life which is the absolute reality, the difference in age in our present life is negligible. In the light of eternity, we are all considered infants. (LZ)

都是你 词,曲, 唱:王光良



我的钢琴 弹奏的都是你


kk, 你可知道啊,我是没有一天不想你。 可是想着的都是开心的事情!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Its time to go

Leaving tomorrow for the outreach I have anticipated for.

I dont have much to blog about but I dont want to leave without saying goodbye.

So bye.

Monday, April 03, 2006

My dichotomy

One thing.

Recapitulating what happened during outreach last year, even though I know it is impossible, I decided to try getting this sorted through before I leave. Defining this was the cause my insomnia last night. Now, let me astound you with the complexity of my simple mind.

There was me. Angeline and Hua Jing. There was us and them. And there was us and them. With them, I was Angeline, trying to forget Hua Jing. With them, I was Angeline except Angeline was trying to remember Hua Jing. Angeline had to be part of us because everyone of us could not be part of them. Angeline rationalized and emotionalized in our language. Hua Jing used to be part of them. She felt and reasoned in their language because our language was foreign. But Hua Jing is no longer that. She has become Angeline. And when Angeline was with them, Hua Jing wanted to come back. Hua Jing wanted to temporarily forget Angeline, afterall Angeline didnt exist till Hua Jing was 18. Hua Jing itched to be returned to them. Angeline missed the days she was only Hua Jing. Yes, there were days she was only Hua Jing and today she is totally Angeline. Hua Jing was unhappy with the insensitive remarks that were being spoken about them because she was one of them. And Angeline was unhappy with the insensitive remarks that were spoken about them because she was also one of them. Angeline couldnt blame them. Hua Jing couldnt blame them. Angeline saw the divergence of these two worlds, practically impossible to unite yet colliding and clashing in her own life, seeking for a resolution and closure.

Angeline or Hua Jing?

Hua Jing or Angeline?

It is really hard to be both at the same time. If you really want to understand, take up a second culture now and in the next decade speak think and feel only in that language, then go back and interact with the people that reminds you of your past and tell me how that feels!

The reward is, it can be insanely fun.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Where I am

This is only the 6th entry of the month. Sad to say, the record is embarrassing. So finally tonight I decided to give a more down to earth update about where I am.

I am still on the planet. I realize I havent been vocal about the DTS this year. Not that I am not enthusiastic about it or anything. I like it lots, as excited if not more than I did last year. This is the end of lecture phase. I find it hard to believe we are leaving for outreach in 12 days...my last outreach before I become Mrs Kah Kheng Khoo....which means I need to start thinking about my expectations for this very special 2 months, eh?

I am at least half-packed for outreach. The more challenging task is to get Fabys place more immaculate than when I moved in. I am not a very fast cleaner. Let me correct that, I am not a cleaner. And I was warned of hurricane Faby, which is scheduled to hit should I fail to clean up my mess before outreach. Very sad. So this weekend, I am having sweet Fifi over to assist me.

And oh, I am moving back to the Lighthouse it seems. Nancy said so at least. And, I get to be the Dining Service Director again in the summer. The additional challenge is to produce a disciple out of this to take over me after I am gone.

This week, I managed to watch the whole season 1 of Mash by myself. Cant think of any more highlights. I want a nap.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

My past life

In two weeks I will be moving out from Fabys. The apartment looks like it just got hit by a tornado. So, I have been organizing my properties (again) and I saw my thesis....no one here knows how much trouble I went through to get this.

Anyway, the thesis is titled Analytical Method Development for the Cleaning Effectivenes of Residual Peanut Protein on Stainless Steel in Particular Ara h1. The abstract reads.... (if you dont plan to fall asleep, skip the next paragraph)

The peanut allergen, Ara h1, can potentially become part of a different food system due to cross contamination from processing with campaigned equipments. To prevent cross-contamination, studies must be completed that demonstrate the effectiveness of standardized cleaning procedures for removing the allergen from product contact surfaces. In the pharmaceutical industry, cleaning validation consists of surface residual sampling, recovery and detection of the recovered material. Based upon this model, a sampling method that recovers Ara h1 from a stainless steel surface; and an assay that is capable of selectively detecting and semi-quantifying the recovered Ara h1 allergen were developed. These analytical techniques were able to recover up to 78-99% of peanut proteins and to detect the recovered Ara h1 protein at levels of 80-122 nanograms.

I took about a year to develop my sampling and recovery procedures, smooth and steady. The detection and quantification was a bizarre story. Spring 2003, I decided to graduate by hook or by crook so that I could come to HK for DTS. I implemented my detection scheme and ran experiments after experiments that entire summer with no substantial result. My research director never saw a protein behaving like that on the detection instrument. My other research committee member were basically speechless. YWAM HK called and asked if I was still interested in their Performing Arts DTS. I was never interested in Performing Arts and I wasnt able to leave my project anyway. Later they cancelled the school because almost no one wanted to go (afraid of SARS). So I applied for January school instead.

October came, we decided to collect enough data for our bizzarre findings and moved on to a new alternate scheme, not as glamorous, but with other advantages. Besides, I could actually run the method in my sleep because I did it so much before I came on to the grad school and the only thing practical to do so that I could graduate by December. Things seemed to go well until one day in the middle of November I had reasons to suspect my water system was contaminated. If that were true, the bottomline was, I had no results. Water purity was critical for my aim to establish nanogramic detection limit for contaminants. Imagine my fright!

However, in two weeks we found out the water was fine. Something else was interfering with my controls and we got it fixed. By then, it wasnt realistic anymore to graduate in December, I had to apply for May graduation. So, after editing my thesis for about 10 times, I was scheduled to deliver an oral defense. Much to my chagrin, just when everything was set, I received a notice from YWAM HK that they were moving the DTS a week earlier than it was scheduled.(STUPID YWAM HK!!!) So I had to cut down on my breathing and rescheduled my final oral exam two days before I left NE. I didnt have enough time to do much in one and a quarter day...I didnt have much time to think I was leaving NE for good. I thought perhaps one day, when I am not busy anymore, I will come back to NE and say goodbye properly. More than 2 years had gone by and I havent done that.

Anyway, the point of my post is actually that being a missionary is much more fun than being a scientist.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

An obnoxious question

I wanted to blog this the other day but I didnt because my keyboard sensors are losing it. Sometimes letter like h would not come out. Very annoying. As much as I love my faithful Inspiron 8000, I am preparing for its funeral.

Anyway, about that obnoxious question that I was pondering a little while ago......before I am aware of the human function called sex, the only reason I could think of why people regard the pubic area as dirty (after Deans teaching, I know sex is not dirty anymore) is because that is the area we associate pee and poo with. So, why did God in His intelligence created sexual organs in proximity with our poo and pee organs and for guys, the same organ?!?!?!?!

After lunch on Monday, I posed the question to some intelligent people like Fifi, Catherine and Anna. Fifi of course just busted out laughing. Both Anna and Catherine, to my amazement came up with a similar answer - convenience!! Anna said there is an incentive to keep that area clean. Catherine said, when we wear underwear, it automatically protect all of them together. And, that is smart!

Why didnt I think of that before??

Anyway, I found the answers satisfying. So I closed the case in peace.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

A Long Pajama Day

This is Happy Saturday. The only day in the week that I get to sleep in. The more I sleep, the sleepier I get.

I know I need to get more creative. I want to. I really do. I can make a long list of what I should be doing instead of sleeping but I dont think I can give up sleep yet.

And I am even blogging in my sleep. If I have to mention the word blog in my blog, thats when I know my creativity is not awake.


Saturday, March 11, 2006


I almost gave up writing blogs. I am too lazy to do anything. I am not excited with life. I dont like watching tv. I dont feel like shopping for anything. I dont feel like listening to any chinese songs or reading anything thought-provoking. I am just not up to anything. I kinda like my life like this, uncomplicated and boring.

Maybe I am just pmsing.

Wanna be my friend and hang out?

Speaking of friends, I have a series of 'Trinity's ever since I remember having friends. I think triads are great. Whenever two argues, we have a tie breaker and one gets to pick a side. I don't have any pictures of my 'trinity' further back than Lincoln NE...but here are the rest...

That's the most prominent 'trinity' during the days of Lincoln Revival Team. Me(Hua Jin), Cherh Kuan, and Hui Wan, whom we dearingly called Ah Hui. In that relationship, I was definitely the cockiest of them all...but they loved me well.

There's my other social circle that ran parallel with my CK and Ah Hui circle. We were pretty exclusive as in having special meetings to talk about nothing. I liked Neek and 'disliked' Budi. In that relationship, I was known as the Cat. Usually Neek wouldn't call me Cat...it was just Budi.

This happened after the other two circles left lincoln. I knew both Erin (the blonde one)and Jessica before the millenium but 'suddenly' got close in 2003, right before I came to Hong Kong. They are both in Omaha then and now. I needed to drive to Omaha to meet up with them. Jessica still send cards to me occassionally...and Erin wants to be a Missionary.

And here in Hong Kong, I continue my tradition to trinitize my relationship. This is the most updated one. On my left, Caryl, the Grand Pooba, and on my right is Grandma Keith from Hoserland. If my wedding is just about myself, I would have Caryl be my flowergirl and Grandma the ring bearer...but unfortunately, it is not!!!!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Reality of My Heart

There's this beautiful thing called love. One of the things mentioned about it is that, it covers a multitude of sins.

My heart is hurting like crazy, yet I find a simple reason to rejoice-a revelation that I am actually more intensely in love with KK than I think I do. I love him jealously and passionately with my heart, not just my head.

Only by continuing to choose love, healing will come to a completion.

I felt like I've grown up so much. And the exciting thing is that I am willing.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Reality of Life

There's this beautiful thing called sex. With that comes along issues like pregnancies, and parenthood. Putting marriage and sex and pregnancy together, I, the bethrothed have now to be concerned about birth control because I want to be the only baby for the first year at least.

Most of my research resulted in 4 distinct methods.
First, the natural method which I personally find more appealing than others. Basically it involves thermometer reading. If my body temperature rises, it means I am ovulating. So, that means avoid sex during those days. If there's a thermometer that not only read temperature but can give an instant advice such as 'today is your unlucky day', I might consider getting one. Natural method is very much a hassle because I have to take temperature and kinda monitor my body temperature everyday to chart a trend. Yawn.

Then, there's this hormonal method (the pills, patches, injections etc). Pills are common. I even heard there's a male pill. Besides the side effects, the thought of 'lowering the sperm count to zero' feels wrong and murderous, just like the thought of using spermicide. I just feel wrong to kill.

Then, there's this barrier method (condoms, diaphrams etc). Condoms are common. I even heard there's a female condom. But because, it is not part of our bodies. Involving that is like involving a third party. So, that feels wrong too.

Then, there's sterilization, the permanent method. Of course this is not an option now.

Considering the fact that the chances of me getting pregnant is only high for about 2 weeks in a month, and considering the general frequency of sex is only like once a week, someone should just tell me birth control is no big deal. Chances are I will not get pregnant without birth control that easily.

But of course, nobody is willing to give me such an advice.