Part 3 - The Dilemma

Soon enough, Zoe started to notice that KK was treating me differently, like whenever we were together, he would not take his eyes off me but follow me everywhere I go. There was only one explanation. But, I denied the possibility... mainly because I didnt want to face the consequences. I was definitely selfish. I enjoyed his company, his attention but....

I didnt care much of what other people would think. By then, I was sure most people knew I was two-timing, especially my housemates as I would chat online with KK everynight. Wherever I was, he was there, as my roomate Wendy would say, "He is 'stuck' to me like a leech". Whatever relationship that was, there was already a problem of codependence. However, I was good at keeping a strict physical boundary between us. And I did not talk to him about my feelings or had given him any opportunity for that kind of discussion. So, there was no way anyone or I could say, we were being more than just friends. Officially I still belonged to Chern Chuan and even though I was crazy about KK, I couldnt permit myself to betray him.

I didnt keep my relationship with KK a secret from CC either. On the phone, I told him that I had grown especially close with KK while he was away. All he said to me was he trusted me. He saw nothing wrong with me having a really close guy friend even though I already had a boyfriend. He could accept that. At that I told him he could trust me that I would remain faithful to him....whatever that meant.

At that point, I told myself, "CC is a good guy and he is good to me. Love is a choice not just this crazy feeling. I was once infatuated with CC, the feeling has faded, and we've already agreed on this a long time ago, even when our feelings fade, we will continue to hold on to our decisions to stay together". There was no way I could find a reason to break that commitment.

March came, and there was spring break. KK invited me to go with the college students at his church (we were attending different church then) to Pensacola, FL to visit that famous Brownsville Revival Church. I accepted his offer. I think I lost all my sanity there. For the first time, I allowed myself to be held by him for comfort (it was a 3-day roadtrip!!!!). Not only that, I let that affection be seen in public!!! I was insane, alright.

A few of the TGAN people were in serious shock because all those while they thought KK was interested in Zoe. Well, it was hard to tell when we all hung out together. And of course some were outraged at the new found scandal. It would have been ok with them if I had a proper breakup with CC. And that had failed to happen!! The pressure came on him as he was one of the core leaders of TGAN to sort things out.

KK's college pastor then also approached and questioned him about his relationship with me. After learning all the background dramas, he grinned and encouraged KK to take his chance. First, CC wasnt a Christian; second, he was gone; and third, my ring finger was clean. Think about the benefits, he said, Angeline gets to remove herself from a wrong relationship, and you get yourself a hot chicken...life is all about competition and apparently you have an upperhand. It's time to make a move.

And that brought us to the very memorable meeting at Wendy's, March 22nd 1999. (I only remember it because that was the day my grandmother died). There KK officially confessed his feeling and desire to be my boyfriend. And I confessed my liking of him but had to decline his offer because I need to remain loyal to CC.

Yes, I was selfish. I didnt realize his awkwardness and disappointment after that. I was pretty much assuming things between us would stay the same. And to me, it did.

A week later, CC informed me he's gotten a job at Blue Cross and Blue Shield Omaha through an email interview. (More craziness). He said, he didnt want to tell me earlier about the possibility of coming back, afraid that I would get my hopes up and then disappointed if he failed to get the job. I was really touched. Where would anyone find a man like that?

So four months after he left, Chern Chuan returned to Nebraska, into the middle of my dilemma.
Sigh...
Shouldnt the dramas be kept on the stage?