Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Part 6 - The Unresolved Conflict

Year 2001 started.

KK and I very naturally found our ways back to each others life once again. Both of us resolved in the name of the new millenium to cut off all the entanglements of our past and start clean. And finally for the first time in the history of our relationship, it was just us. And we stayed that way for a long time. But did I finally enjoy that relationship?

I, on my part, was totally committed to him. I had given my heart fully to him. I would do anything...compromised, sacrificed in all inconvenience to make sure he would never leave me again. But strangely, no matter what I did, I was still unconvinced about his devotion to me. No matter how many times he reassured me with his words and actions, in my heart I kept sensing that one day, he would still betray everything he said. Trust was absent.

That summer, we went to an all night prayer vigil at the Lutheran's Chapel. God spoke and gave me a vision of my FEET touching the ground of many places, specifically bringing the gospel just like in Romans 10:15. If I were not involved with KK, I would be jumping with excitement and hope and maybe even in tears but that night, I was so traumatized. I had given up my dream of going on missions because I was terribly afraid KK would not be willing to go. I really hoped that it would not come to past because being with KK was more important already then. So, I didnt tell him anything about the vision because I couldnt trust him nor God to deal with that information. And even I eventually forgot about it too (until 2003).

Meanwhile KK also graduated that year. I met his family, both biological, and spiritual when we went back to Malaysia for a summer break. We were in a sense going 'steady' and official with important people of our lives. However in my heart there was still a big gap. I wanted a more substantial planning for our future. KK just graduated and even though he already had a job, he wasnt established enough that he could make out realistic plans of what he had. But I took it as an excuse for not wanting to make more defined commitments.

I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didnt really evaluate my own readiness if I even knew what marriage means. Everyone else were getting married while they were still students, so why not KK and I? I was not happy enough that we were going to get married. I wanted to know WHEN exactly that would happen.

It was the ongoing conflict that went on from 2001 till we finally broke up in 2003. That was the overall climate of our relationship during the whole time.

KK returned for good to Malaysia July 5th, 2002. I was trying to finish up with my graduate studies so that I could also make further plans. KK was hoping that I would return and join him in Malaysia as soon as I finished my degree. Then we could make plans. But I had other thoughts.

Winter Break 2002. I went to Malaysia to visit KK. I had an ultimatum for him. I wanted him to decide on when to tie the knot and I offerred to go back to Malaysia 6 months before the date, otherwise, I shalt remain in America and pursue my own career and life until he was ready. It was my reasonable request and offer. I didnt want to break up with him but I didnt want to keep waiting. I would not let myself to return to Malaysia with uncertainty and regrets. And for him, it was absurdity to put a wedding date before he knew how I'd adjust to the Malaysian life. And for my own goodness sake, I shouldnt burden myself with marriage while learning to live as a Malaysian once again.

Guess what? I still couldnt accept his reasons and he couldnt accept mine. Go figure. And Year 2002 ended.

Three months later, he called and apologized saying that he still couldnt give in to my request and since the conflict was serious, we'd better seek God what we both should do next, laying aside our plans to get married and even asked if we were supposed to even get married. Even though I was disappointed, but I thought that was fair enough. I should seriously be asking God what I should do after finishing school, anyway.

Then missions came to mind. It was then, or never.

I was leaning very strongly towards DTS offerred by YWAM. After discussing with Neek, an ex dtser, he encouraged me to seek God for that specific base. He told me too that I was supposed to simplify my life, i.e. take a break from any special relationship and commitment as that was required by his school. I thought, couldnt that be a better timing. So, my heart was set for YWAM.

And during that quest for the right base, God reminded me of the vision in the summer of 2001, the day after I received an info packet from YWAM Hong Kong which I almost discard after I saw their DTS fees. The second time I took the packet out from the envelope again, my eyes caught the four letter word FEET imprinted on an very unimpressive grey brochure (which they still used until today). Not only that, Romans 10:15 was also printed on the front of the brochure. I was almost sure God wanted me not only to do a DTS but also FEET and not only that, he wanted me to do DTS in Hong Kong specifically even though it was so freaking expensive. I couldnt believe how fast God answered my question. It was as though He had everything lined up for me, just waiting me to pop that question.

When I looked back, it was really good for me that KK made that call. My three years in YWAM HK was the best years Ive ever lived.

Back to 2003....
I made my discovery known to KK. He was indifferent about it. Later he made another call that was to call off the relationship altogether. I was so sad. I wanted a good reason and he couldnt give me any and I hadnt done anything wrong. We've both agreed to seek God and God didnt say I should return to Malaysia. I was left without a proper understanding of his decision.

But when he said these words " I dont think you are not the one I m supposed to be fighting for", my fury was ignited. He had crossed the line. It didnt matter if I understood his reasons anymore. That was our last conversation that year.

I took my time to process through the entire relationship from the beginning. Since Ive gotten involved with KK in 1999 till 2003, how much of those times had I been truly happy? My unhappy days far outnumbered my happy days. Why should a smart girl like me put up with that kind of torture? When seriously think about it, I was unhappy whether he was in or out of my life. So, since I was already unhappy, why should I insist on it or even try to understand the madness?

It was a good time of cleansing and repentance. I finally decided to rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God. I gathered all the memories, gifts, pictures of KK and stashed them away in a shoebox. I almost performed a funeral service for it but my best friend Tayo laughed at my suggestion.

I looked forward to what I had already known for me then. A new adventure in Hong Kong.

I had nothing to lose anymore.

And in fact, since then, Ive not lost. My lose-lose predicaments had turn into win-win stakes. God did a lot!


Anonymous said...

Glad God sent you our way, we have been soooo blessed!

Me... Faby

Anonymous said...

someone put mustard, ketchup, peanut butter and a diaper on my car. i got sick of it, and sold it for $150 dollars to some friends of mine at the base. good riddance. i will be in prayer for you and kk.

- william