Monday, July 17, 2006

My prominent weakness

I usually blog about my external life. I am a superficial person. Maybe I can have a change today.

Here is my heart, which almost feels like death because there seems like a wall surrounding it. There is hindrance in worship times, I cant concentrate. And there is hindrance in quiet times, I cant concentrate either. I am not exactly sure what this place is. Usually when I am lost, I can feel God's presence relatively quickly. But I think now I am just wrapped in self-sufficiency.

God, I am here to repent. Give my heart a life.

The clock is ticking. Do I have enough time to get to know myself deeply? Only you know this heart, where it has been and what it has gone through. I dont want to recall the past struggles, the threatening voices, and of course all the hurt that went unspoken. Why cant I just admit that I hurt? Why cant I just own up to my own feelings? Now, I cant be this way. The more I try to avoid, the more I am distanced from myself and so the more I am lost. It is disastrous to bring a superficial self into a permanent union.

He has given me his heart to which I have vowed to protect with my own life. But how do I give my own heart to him? How will I respond if he ever hurt me? How do I hold myself from the temptation of hurting him back?

God help me.


Anonymous said...

I had a strange deam last nite. It was so strange and I had a moment when deep sadness overwhelmed me. I wonder if I have some unresolved issues or desparation reside in me.

- jing

KK said...

I still love you, and have no plans to change my mind.