Before I continue, I need to shift gear and share about my relationship Chern Chuan during Fall 1998.
Like I said, I was VERY busy. I was heavily involved with NUMSA (Nebraska University Malaysian Student Association), which Chern Chuan was a dissociate, never attended any of its functions or gatherings. And he wasnt anymore interested in TGAN since he wasnt a Christian. Naturally, it became strange for me that he was even my boyfriend because we hardly saw each other nor our lives had anything to do with each other.
One day, I said to him, "We should end the nominal relationship. Obviously we are doing very well absent from each others lives. Since you are graduating and leaving and we dont know what future holds, let's just part ways here. This is the most rational and good ending for this relationship". He responded as calmly as I did, "No, let's not do that. There's no need for a breakup because there arent any disagreements, arguments or things like that. Our relationship is great and we are both very understanding of each other. Breakup like this is just too strange for me. I dont know what to think about it" .
I did not insist. Whether I broke up with him or not, I didnt see how it affect my life then. On the other hand, I wasnt planning on having another boyfriend. I sort of hoped to marry Chern Chuan someday even though I didn't see how it would happen...not because I didnt trust that he would marry me, rather because marriage wasnt a desperate thing on my 21 year old mind. So, I let myself continue in that relationship.
Chern Chuan graduated and left Lincoln on Christmas Eve, 1998.
Something happened in the next two weeks of that 3-week fateful winter break.
It was during that winter break, I "reconciled" with the TGANites (KK, Tayo, Christopher and Zoe) , getting involved with their activities. We spent lots of time together making meals, doing groceries, praying, having end-of-the-year parties, going to church etc. Especially with KK, I began to have long conversations with him and found out our common grounds...eg, he grew up in a catholic all boys schools and me in all girls', and both of us grew up as church musicians...etc.
Remembering correctly, it was in the beginning of January 1999, at KK's room I whispered to Zoe, "I dont know why, I am strangely drawn to KK." I knew Zoe will be shocked. She was. I was. Nobody saw that coming. Chern Chuan just left for 2 weeks. It was insanity. So she asked, "So, what are you going to do?". "Nothing. Besides this is just my feelings. I am sure he will never be interested in me. There's no reason he should be. First, he is a holy leader of TGAN and I am still living with a bunch of pagans and I still have a pagan boyfriend. He can pick a better girl easily anyday." I rationalized. Zoe agreed and we both laughed.
Winter break was over. I was having withdrawal big time. Suddenly, I didnt get to eat, play and pray with the TGANites everyday anymore. Most unbearably, I missed seeing KK. I wondered if he liked me..even a bit.
But, what good is that going to do if he does?
Do I like him enough to leave Chern Chuan?
Why do I even like him?
Am I crazy already?
All those mind torturing questions...