Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Part 7 - Honeymoon with God

Finally after 7 years of being attached with somebody, I resumed my singlehood status. I took upon a special journey which I had always wanted to take -- MISSIONS.

So for the next two years or so I lived my life having nothing to do with KKK.

I returned to Asia in January 2004 after 7.5 years of staying in Lincoln, NE. I enrolled myself for Discipleship Training School at YWAM Hong Kong, which was where I had the most irreplacable experience, my honeymoon with God. I put behind everything that happened between me and KK in Lincoln. Occasionally the memories of him still made me sick to my stomach. But for most of the time, I was so overwhelmed with what God was teaching me. Besides, I was so overly loved by everyone so I thought, who needs a boyfriend at a place such as this?? I guess I had a taste of heaven then, nobody needs to get married there.

After DTS was over, I visited Malaysia shortly to tie all the outstanding loose ends.....first with my decisions of what to do with my future and face my parents with those issues, and then, there was a need of a proper closure with KK. I was almost sure that I would not be returning to Malaysia after I finished all my programs at YWAM Hong Kong.

So in May 2004, at KLIA airport, me and KK met and then parted in peace. We forgave, prayed, blessed, and said proper goodbye to each other. I thought, what a great guy but what a pity, I hadnt the slightest interest to live Malaysia. Definitely he wasnt the one for me. I was actually pretty happy it ended that way. It was a great closure, better than one I could ask for.

That summer I returned to Hong Kong and did FEET. When I was on outreach in India, I had the most memorable conversation with God about my future relationship. It wasnt because of desperation but just out of pure curiosity. I started to have sort of a romantic interest in mind and was carefully thinking certain things through. During that session of heart to heart with God, a lot of questions were answered. I was ready to move on and to have a new love interest.

However I recall, because of the incredible outreach food, I ended up having these reccuring vivid dreams of KK and I getting back together. And I had at least 5 of those throughout the whole of FEET outreach. Annoying, but fortunately ignoring them wasnt too hard. When I was awake and sober, I knew with an absolute certainty that I was over KK.

After FEET outreach, I returned to Hong Kong permanently to join the staff team. It was also the time I found out prematurely that my new "love interest" then was also interested in me. I was pretty certain at that time that God has led me to consider a relationship with this person. However, due to the guidelines set by YWAM, we couldnt pursue a relationship until I passed nine months of staffship. That, for me was SALVATION. I found out of my lack of emotions towards this person and therefore inability commit my heart to him fully. As I would sadly tell Faby, my hormones were dormant, maybe dead!!!

I spent the whole nine months trying to develop those feelings, hoping that I could somehow return his kindness and affection but instead I instinctively and rather unkindly ran away from his presence each time he wanted to get close. The one last time I gave myself and him a chance, I asked him out for a meal at a fancy place. It was during that time I finally decided to give up on trying. I could not be in a relationship with him with us interacting like that. I didnt know what was on his mind but I was hoping he would also get the idea and move on.

Nine months was over.... he gave me a letter.

This was the entry I made on September 22, 2005. To protect his identity, I had to be very vague.

Him and her

After a year of secret longing, he finally told her today.... that he loves her.

He gave her an envelope with some money, a gift voucher to an ice cream place, and a letter he typed the night before. Those were words he could not say to her in person.

He spilt everything....how and when and why... and asked her to consider 'it'. He said he knows she doesn't like him but it's okay. He still wants to tell her anyway. He assured her that being just friends is okay with him if she decides to no 'it'. He even asked her to take as much time as she needed to consider.He is willing to risk it again for her, who has never in any way return any of his kind and self-restraint love.

"What kind of a man is he?" she pondered. "What have I done to deserve such kind thoughts?"

One thing for sure, she certainly feels special. She had come across numerous admirers over the years and this isn't like she would magnify any forms of attention given to her by members of the opposite sex. She is just honestly flattered and impressed this time.

And what would she say to him then?

Sunday, December 03, 2006