Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Part 5 - Insecurity

Winter of 1999 was cold. It was very much the opposite of 1998's. There wasnt the slightest warmth to be found. My heart was as cold as the winter snow. Even though we had decided to take a break until OneDay 2000, I really missed KK. I really wished I had treated him better, and was more considerate of how he felt. But due to pride, I couldnt tell him my regrets. I went through with what we'd agreed on.

KK went home for Christmas and there he faced his ex crush who then was eager enough to start a relationship with him. She started to talk to me one day. We had a friendly heart to heart about KK. I was torn. She was a nice girl, and I even liked her. But I just couldnt bear the thought of KK with her. Life took a very wrong twist for three of us. If only whatever that happened in winter 1998 didnt happen, KK would not hesitate to start a relationship with her right then. I became the stumbling block, the hindrance. And I myself could have married CC. The timing was wrong for all four of us. The dramas of the love geometry....

That winter I knew jealousy. It was a new experience. Even though KK didnt pursue a relationship with her and she even gave up on the possibility, the hurt was still unbearable. Over the following two months, I lost a third of myself. I just didnt feel hungry anymore for a long time. All I felt was pain, and it took over everything else I was capable of feeling.

I didnt know where I got the idea that being sad and "loving" someone that much was shameful. In a strange way, I felt ashamed to feel so hurt that I was desperately trying to hide my sadness. So I moved on and ignored the pain by participating in lots of activities on campus to widen my social circle. In that few months I developed an uncontested talent in hiding my true feelings from everyone.

My relationship with KK during that time was really awkward. We saw each other lots but just couldnt talk much. The mutual attraction was obvious and we were trying hard to control ourselves until one Saturday in April (2000) I accepted his invitation to go on a fishing trip. So, by that semi frozen lake, he asked if we could resume our relationship. We drove home rejoicing. We promised ourselves to not repeat the past mistakes and not to take that opportunity for granted.

True enough, I was happy that KK was mine again. Unfortunately, I didnt know how to deal with my hurt properly. I either ignored them or denied them. Jealousy and insecurity has taken root and the doubt concerning his true feelings and motives continued to linger. I was chosen because of proximity. I wondered if both of us (me and his ex crush) were present, would he still choose me over her? He got really upset whenever I brought this issue up. Insecurity remained. I therefore could not trust him with my heart. I reserved a lot of myself to myself. Hurt continued to build.

I guess that is the reason I continued my friendship secretly through email with CC who had then stopped coming to see me every weekend. I even felt like I could be more transparent with CC but with KK, I was just really afraid to talk to him about anything.

KK and I had a serious problem with our relationship that nobody else seemed to notice. Besides our problem, we worked really well in ministry. That summer we and other comrades like Tayo, Christopher, Edmond, and others started an off campus summer evangelistic movement (known passionately as Lincoln Revival Team), outreaching the international students in our neighborhood. We studied the bible, worshipped, interceeded, led people to Jesus, took long distance trips, played sports, and made lots of food for the community. We even bought a Camry together and drove lots of people to church. Basically we were too busy to take care of our problem.

Then fall came, summer activities ceased and we were facing the reality of our relationship again. Through my insecurity and desire to avenge my own hurt, I had provoked KK to jealousy by befriending guys whom he felt threatened by. I guess the truth was, the insecurity wasnt just one sided. Through all these struggles, he decided to call the relationship off once again with the reason he wasnt good enough for me. In the middle of that, he found out about my secret correspondence with CC and went ballistic especially when he discovered I borrowed money from CC to help him with the downpayment of our car. The insult was too heavy for a man to handle but I couldnt accept his anger at me because to me, I was just asking a friend who wanted to return a favor. When CC first came back to NE, he had no money and I helped him to start off before he received his paycheck.

KK and I refused to understand and see the situation from another's perspectives. In anger, he swore off any possibility of us getting back again. I remember that afternoon he came to pick me from college to send me back to my apartment. We talked inside our car from 230 pm till 5 the next morning. I guess when the finality was there that the relationship was out of the picture, the threat of letting him know how I truly felt wasnt there anymore. Maybe that was true for him too. So, that accounted for our more than 12 hours long of heart-to-heart.

We finally had some insights of what was going on in each other's deeper self. But everything was over. KK had sworn me off forever and I respected his boundary.

Soon enough, CC heard about my 'final' breakup with KK. He decided to take his chance. He came and offerred to marry me after I finished with my advanced degree. Not only that, he offerred to let me raise our children to be christians. I rejected him. He didnt give up. The next day, he called and offered to believe in Jesus. I understood something. He was determined to do anything to have me back in his life. I had no choice but to be 'cruel'. I told him, we could no longer be communicating. I could not let him get his hopes up in an impossibility.

Winter of 2000 arrived rather quietly. There, my heart was once again, as cold as the snow. If that were the last time I had to deal with that kind of finality, it might not be so bad. But very unfortunately, that wasnt the case.


Anonymous said...

soo sad gato...when is the happy ending coming?

Tina said...

i enjoy how you are processing all of this before the big day, it is good i think, very wise..

Anonymous said...

I remember those days... I remember how much I struggled not to judge your relationship with KK and I pray that your pain would soon cease. Tell you the truth, I was so worried when I saw you loosing weights and yourself. CC's determination also caused me to draw a clear boundry from guys like him...