Finally after 7 years of being attached with somebody, I resumed my singlehood status. I took upon a special journey which I had always wanted to take -- MISSIONS.
So for the next two years or so I lived my life having nothing to do with KKK.
I returned to Asia in January 2004 after 7.5 years of staying in Lincoln, NE. I enrolled myself for Discipleship Training School at YWAM Hong Kong, which was where I had the most irreplacable experience, my honeymoon with God. I put behind everything that happened between me and KK in Lincoln. Occasionally the memories of him still made me sick to my stomach. But for most of the time, I was so overwhelmed with what God was teaching me. Besides, I was so overly loved by everyone so I thought, who needs a boyfriend at a place such as this?? I guess I had a taste of heaven then, nobody needs to get married there.
After DTS was over, I visited Malaysia shortly to tie all the outstanding loose ends.....first with my decisions of what to do with my future and face my parents with those issues, and then, there was a need of a proper closure with KK. I was almost sure that I would not be returning to Malaysia after I finished all my programs at YWAM Hong Kong.
So in May 2004, at KLIA airport, me and KK met and then parted in peace. We forgave, prayed, blessed, and said proper goodbye to each other. I thought, what a great guy but what a pity, I hadnt the slightest interest to live Malaysia. Definitely he wasnt the one for me. I was actually pretty happy it ended that way. It was a great closure, better than one I could ask for.
That summer I returned to Hong Kong and did FEET. When I was on outreach in India, I had the most memorable conversation with God about my future relationship. It wasnt because of desperation but just out of pure curiosity. I started to have sort of a romantic interest in mind and was carefully thinking certain things through. During that session of heart to heart with God, a lot of questions were answered. I was ready to move on and to have a new love interest.
However I recall, because of the incredible outreach food, I ended up having these reccuring vivid dreams of KK and I getting back together. And I had at least 5 of those throughout the whole of FEET outreach. Annoying, but fortunately ignoring them wasnt too hard. When I was awake and sober, I knew with an absolute certainty that I was over KK.
After FEET outreach, I returned to Hong Kong permanently to join the staff team. It was also the time I found out prematurely that my new "love interest" then was also interested in me. I was pretty certain at that time that God has led me to consider a relationship with this person. However, due to the guidelines set by YWAM, we couldnt pursue a relationship until I passed nine months of staffship. That, for me was SALVATION. I found out of my lack of emotions towards this person and therefore inability commit my heart to him fully. As I would sadly tell Faby, my hormones were dormant, maybe dead!!!
I spent the whole nine months trying to develop those feelings, hoping that I could somehow return his kindness and affection but instead I instinctively and rather unkindly ran away from his presence each time he wanted to get close. The one last time I gave myself and him a chance, I asked him out for a meal at a fancy place. It was during that time I finally decided to give up on trying. I could not be in a relationship with him with us interacting like that. I didnt know what was on his mind but I was hoping he would also get the idea and move on.
Nine months was over.... he gave me a letter.
This was the entry I made on September 22, 2005. To protect his identity, I had to be very vague.
Him and her
After a year of secret longing, he finally told her today.... that he loves her.
He gave her an envelope with some money, a gift voucher to an ice cream place, and a letter he typed the night before. Those were words he could not say to her in person.
He spilt everything....how and when and why... and asked her to consider 'it'. He said he knows she doesn't like him but it's okay. He still wants to tell her anyway. He assured her that being just friends is okay with him if she decides to no 'it'. He even asked her to take as much time as she needed to consider.He is willing to risk it again for her, who has never in any way return any of his kind and self-restraint love.
"What kind of a man is he?" she pondered. "What have I done to deserve such kind thoughts?"
One thing for sure, she certainly feels special. She had come across numerous admirers over the years and this isn't like she would magnify any forms of attention given to her by members of the opposite sex. She is just honestly flattered and impressed this time.
And what would she say to him then?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
I really want to finish my story.
Each time I wrote a part, it took me about 3 hours, with editing and enhancements, without any distractions.
I am married now....my husband and I hardly spend a waking moment apart. I m still waiting for a time I get to write for long long long long hours until I m sick of reading myself.
Each time I wrote a part, it took me about 3 hours, with editing and enhancements, without any distractions.
I am married now....my husband and I hardly spend a waking moment apart. I m still waiting for a time I get to write for long long long long hours until I m sick of reading myself.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Part 6 - The Unresolved Conflict
Year 2001 started.
KK and I very naturally found our ways back to each others life once again. Both of us resolved in the name of the new millenium to cut off all the entanglements of our past and start clean. And finally for the first time in the history of our relationship, it was just us. And we stayed that way for a long time. But did I finally enjoy that relationship?
I, on my part, was totally committed to him. I had given my heart fully to him. I would do anything...compromised, sacrificed in all inconvenience to make sure he would never leave me again. But strangely, no matter what I did, I was still unconvinced about his devotion to me. No matter how many times he reassured me with his words and actions, in my heart I kept sensing that one day, he would still betray everything he said. Trust was absent.
That summer, we went to an all night prayer vigil at the Lutheran's Chapel. God spoke and gave me a vision of my FEET touching the ground of many places, specifically bringing the gospel just like in Romans 10:15. If I were not involved with KK, I would be jumping with excitement and hope and maybe even in tears but that night, I was so traumatized. I had given up my dream of going on missions because I was terribly afraid KK would not be willing to go. I really hoped that it would not come to past because being with KK was more important already then. So, I didnt tell him anything about the vision because I couldnt trust him nor God to deal with that information. And even I eventually forgot about it too (until 2003).
Meanwhile KK also graduated that year. I met his family, both biological, and spiritual when we went back to Malaysia for a summer break. We were in a sense going 'steady' and official with important people of our lives. However in my heart there was still a big gap. I wanted a more substantial planning for our future. KK just graduated and even though he already had a job, he wasnt established enough that he could make out realistic plans of what he had. But I took it as an excuse for not wanting to make more defined commitments.
I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didnt really evaluate my own readiness if I even knew what marriage means. Everyone else were getting married while they were still students, so why not KK and I? I was not happy enough that we were going to get married. I wanted to know WHEN exactly that would happen.
It was the ongoing conflict that went on from 2001 till we finally broke up in 2003. That was the overall climate of our relationship during the whole time.
KK returned for good to Malaysia July 5th, 2002. I was trying to finish up with my graduate studies so that I could also make further plans. KK was hoping that I would return and join him in Malaysia as soon as I finished my degree. Then we could make plans. But I had other thoughts.
Winter Break 2002. I went to Malaysia to visit KK. I had an ultimatum for him. I wanted him to decide on when to tie the knot and I offerred to go back to Malaysia 6 months before the date, otherwise, I shalt remain in America and pursue my own career and life until he was ready. It was my reasonable request and offer. I didnt want to break up with him but I didnt want to keep waiting. I would not let myself to return to Malaysia with uncertainty and regrets. And for him, it was absurdity to put a wedding date before he knew how I'd adjust to the Malaysian life. And for my own goodness sake, I shouldnt burden myself with marriage while learning to live as a Malaysian once again.
Guess what? I still couldnt accept his reasons and he couldnt accept mine. Go figure. And Year 2002 ended.
Three months later, he called and apologized saying that he still couldnt give in to my request and since the conflict was serious, we'd better seek God what we both should do next, laying aside our plans to get married and even asked if we were supposed to even get married. Even though I was disappointed, but I thought that was fair enough. I should seriously be asking God what I should do after finishing school, anyway.
Then missions came to mind. It was then, or never.
I was leaning very strongly towards DTS offerred by YWAM. After discussing with Neek, an ex dtser, he encouraged me to seek God for that specific base. He told me too that I was supposed to simplify my life, i.e. take a break from any special relationship and commitment as that was required by his school. I thought, couldnt that be a better timing. So, my heart was set for YWAM.
And during that quest for the right base, God reminded me of the vision in the summer of 2001, the day after I received an info packet from YWAM Hong Kong which I almost discard after I saw their DTS fees. The second time I took the packet out from the envelope again, my eyes caught the four letter word FEET imprinted on an very unimpressive grey brochure (which they still used until today). Not only that, Romans 10:15 was also printed on the front of the brochure. I was almost sure God wanted me not only to do a DTS but also FEET and not only that, he wanted me to do DTS in Hong Kong specifically even though it was so freaking expensive. I couldnt believe how fast God answered my question. It was as though He had everything lined up for me, just waiting me to pop that question.
When I looked back, it was really good for me that KK made that call. My three years in YWAM HK was the best years Ive ever lived.
Back to 2003....
I made my discovery known to KK. He was indifferent about it. Later he made another call that was to call off the relationship altogether. I was so sad. I wanted a good reason and he couldnt give me any and I hadnt done anything wrong. We've both agreed to seek God and God didnt say I should return to Malaysia. I was left without a proper understanding of his decision.
But when he said these words " I dont think you are not the one I m supposed to be fighting for", my fury was ignited. He had crossed the line. It didnt matter if I understood his reasons anymore. That was our last conversation that year.
I took my time to process through the entire relationship from the beginning. Since Ive gotten involved with KK in 1999 till 2003, how much of those times had I been truly happy? My unhappy days far outnumbered my happy days. Why should a smart girl like me put up with that kind of torture? When seriously think about it, I was unhappy whether he was in or out of my life. So, since I was already unhappy, why should I insist on it or even try to understand the madness?
It was a good time of cleansing and repentance. I finally decided to rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God. I gathered all the memories, gifts, pictures of KK and stashed them away in a shoebox. I almost performed a funeral service for it but my best friend Tayo laughed at my suggestion.
I looked forward to what I had already known for me then. A new adventure in Hong Kong.
I had nothing to lose anymore.
And in fact, since then, Ive not lost. My lose-lose predicaments had turn into win-win stakes. God did a lot!
KK and I very naturally found our ways back to each others life once again. Both of us resolved in the name of the new millenium to cut off all the entanglements of our past and start clean. And finally for the first time in the history of our relationship, it was just us. And we stayed that way for a long time. But did I finally enjoy that relationship?
I, on my part, was totally committed to him. I had given my heart fully to him. I would do anything...compromised, sacrificed in all inconvenience to make sure he would never leave me again. But strangely, no matter what I did, I was still unconvinced about his devotion to me. No matter how many times he reassured me with his words and actions, in my heart I kept sensing that one day, he would still betray everything he said. Trust was absent.
That summer, we went to an all night prayer vigil at the Lutheran's Chapel. God spoke and gave me a vision of my FEET touching the ground of many places, specifically bringing the gospel just like in Romans 10:15. If I were not involved with KK, I would be jumping with excitement and hope and maybe even in tears but that night, I was so traumatized. I had given up my dream of going on missions because I was terribly afraid KK would not be willing to go. I really hoped that it would not come to past because being with KK was more important already then. So, I didnt tell him anything about the vision because I couldnt trust him nor God to deal with that information. And even I eventually forgot about it too (until 2003).
Meanwhile KK also graduated that year. I met his family, both biological, and spiritual when we went back to Malaysia for a summer break. We were in a sense going 'steady' and official with important people of our lives. However in my heart there was still a big gap. I wanted a more substantial planning for our future. KK just graduated and even though he already had a job, he wasnt established enough that he could make out realistic plans of what he had. But I took it as an excuse for not wanting to make more defined commitments.
I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didnt really evaluate my own readiness if I even knew what marriage means. Everyone else were getting married while they were still students, so why not KK and I? I was not happy enough that we were going to get married. I wanted to know WHEN exactly that would happen.
It was the ongoing conflict that went on from 2001 till we finally broke up in 2003. That was the overall climate of our relationship during the whole time.
KK returned for good to Malaysia July 5th, 2002. I was trying to finish up with my graduate studies so that I could also make further plans. KK was hoping that I would return and join him in Malaysia as soon as I finished my degree. Then we could make plans. But I had other thoughts.
Winter Break 2002. I went to Malaysia to visit KK. I had an ultimatum for him. I wanted him to decide on when to tie the knot and I offerred to go back to Malaysia 6 months before the date, otherwise, I shalt remain in America and pursue my own career and life until he was ready. It was my reasonable request and offer. I didnt want to break up with him but I didnt want to keep waiting. I would not let myself to return to Malaysia with uncertainty and regrets. And for him, it was absurdity to put a wedding date before he knew how I'd adjust to the Malaysian life. And for my own goodness sake, I shouldnt burden myself with marriage while learning to live as a Malaysian once again.
Guess what? I still couldnt accept his reasons and he couldnt accept mine. Go figure. And Year 2002 ended.
Three months later, he called and apologized saying that he still couldnt give in to my request and since the conflict was serious, we'd better seek God what we both should do next, laying aside our plans to get married and even asked if we were supposed to even get married. Even though I was disappointed, but I thought that was fair enough. I should seriously be asking God what I should do after finishing school, anyway.
Then missions came to mind. It was then, or never.
I was leaning very strongly towards DTS offerred by YWAM. After discussing with Neek, an ex dtser, he encouraged me to seek God for that specific base. He told me too that I was supposed to simplify my life, i.e. take a break from any special relationship and commitment as that was required by his school. I thought, couldnt that be a better timing. So, my heart was set for YWAM.
And during that quest for the right base, God reminded me of the vision in the summer of 2001, the day after I received an info packet from YWAM Hong Kong which I almost discard after I saw their DTS fees. The second time I took the packet out from the envelope again, my eyes caught the four letter word FEET imprinted on an very unimpressive grey brochure (which they still used until today). Not only that, Romans 10:15 was also printed on the front of the brochure. I was almost sure God wanted me not only to do a DTS but also FEET and not only that, he wanted me to do DTS in Hong Kong specifically even though it was so freaking expensive. I couldnt believe how fast God answered my question. It was as though He had everything lined up for me, just waiting me to pop that question.
When I looked back, it was really good for me that KK made that call. My three years in YWAM HK was the best years Ive ever lived.
Back to 2003....
I made my discovery known to KK. He was indifferent about it. Later he made another call that was to call off the relationship altogether. I was so sad. I wanted a good reason and he couldnt give me any and I hadnt done anything wrong. We've both agreed to seek God and God didnt say I should return to Malaysia. I was left without a proper understanding of his decision.
But when he said these words " I dont think you are not the one I m supposed to be fighting for", my fury was ignited. He had crossed the line. It didnt matter if I understood his reasons anymore. That was our last conversation that year.
I took my time to process through the entire relationship from the beginning. Since Ive gotten involved with KK in 1999 till 2003, how much of those times had I been truly happy? My unhappy days far outnumbered my happy days. Why should a smart girl like me put up with that kind of torture? When seriously think about it, I was unhappy whether he was in or out of my life. So, since I was already unhappy, why should I insist on it or even try to understand the madness?
It was a good time of cleansing and repentance. I finally decided to rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God. I gathered all the memories, gifts, pictures of KK and stashed them away in a shoebox. I almost performed a funeral service for it but my best friend Tayo laughed at my suggestion.
I looked forward to what I had already known for me then. A new adventure in Hong Kong.
I had nothing to lose anymore.
And in fact, since then, Ive not lost. My lose-lose predicaments had turn into win-win stakes. God did a lot!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Part 5 - Insecurity
Winter of 1999 was cold. It was very much the opposite of 1998's. There wasnt the slightest warmth to be found. My heart was as cold as the winter snow. Even though we had decided to take a break until OneDay 2000, I really missed KK. I really wished I had treated him better, and was more considerate of how he felt. But due to pride, I couldnt tell him my regrets. I went through with what we'd agreed on.
KK went home for Christmas and there he faced his ex crush who then was eager enough to start a relationship with him. She started to talk to me one day. We had a friendly heart to heart about KK. I was torn. She was a nice girl, and I even liked her. But I just couldnt bear the thought of KK with her. Life took a very wrong twist for three of us. If only whatever that happened in winter 1998 didnt happen, KK would not hesitate to start a relationship with her right then. I became the stumbling block, the hindrance. And I myself could have married CC. The timing was wrong for all four of us. The dramas of the love geometry....
That winter I knew jealousy. It was a new experience. Even though KK didnt pursue a relationship with her and she even gave up on the possibility, the hurt was still unbearable. Over the following two months, I lost a third of myself. I just didnt feel hungry anymore for a long time. All I felt was pain, and it took over everything else I was capable of feeling.
I didnt know where I got the idea that being sad and "loving" someone that much was shameful. In a strange way, I felt ashamed to feel so hurt that I was desperately trying to hide my sadness. So I moved on and ignored the pain by participating in lots of activities on campus to widen my social circle. In that few months I developed an uncontested talent in hiding my true feelings from everyone.
My relationship with KK during that time was really awkward. We saw each other lots but just couldnt talk much. The mutual attraction was obvious and we were trying hard to control ourselves until one Saturday in April (2000) I accepted his invitation to go on a fishing trip. So, by that semi frozen lake, he asked if we could resume our relationship. We drove home rejoicing. We promised ourselves to not repeat the past mistakes and not to take that opportunity for granted.
True enough, I was happy that KK was mine again. Unfortunately, I didnt know how to deal with my hurt properly. I either ignored them or denied them. Jealousy and insecurity has taken root and the doubt concerning his true feelings and motives continued to linger. I was chosen because of proximity. I wondered if both of us (me and his ex crush) were present, would he still choose me over her? He got really upset whenever I brought this issue up. Insecurity remained. I therefore could not trust him with my heart. I reserved a lot of myself to myself. Hurt continued to build.
I guess that is the reason I continued my friendship secretly through email with CC who had then stopped coming to see me every weekend. I even felt like I could be more transparent with CC but with KK, I was just really afraid to talk to him about anything.
KK and I had a serious problem with our relationship that nobody else seemed to notice. Besides our problem, we worked really well in ministry. That summer we and other comrades like Tayo, Christopher, Edmond, and others started an off campus summer evangelistic movement (known passionately as Lincoln Revival Team), outreaching the international students in our neighborhood. We studied the bible, worshipped, interceeded, led people to Jesus, took long distance trips, played sports, and made lots of food for the community. We even bought a Camry together and drove lots of people to church. Basically we were too busy to take care of our problem.
Then fall came, summer activities ceased and we were facing the reality of our relationship again. Through my insecurity and desire to avenge my own hurt, I had provoked KK to jealousy by befriending guys whom he felt threatened by. I guess the truth was, the insecurity wasnt just one sided. Through all these struggles, he decided to call the relationship off once again with the reason he wasnt good enough for me. In the middle of that, he found out about my secret correspondence with CC and went ballistic especially when he discovered I borrowed money from CC to help him with the downpayment of our car. The insult was too heavy for a man to handle but I couldnt accept his anger at me because to me, I was just asking a friend who wanted to return a favor. When CC first came back to NE, he had no money and I helped him to start off before he received his paycheck.
KK and I refused to understand and see the situation from another's perspectives. In anger, he swore off any possibility of us getting back again. I remember that afternoon he came to pick me from college to send me back to my apartment. We talked inside our car from 230 pm till 5 the next morning. I guess when the finality was there that the relationship was out of the picture, the threat of letting him know how I truly felt wasnt there anymore. Maybe that was true for him too. So, that accounted for our more than 12 hours long of heart-to-heart.
We finally had some insights of what was going on in each other's deeper self. But everything was over. KK had sworn me off forever and I respected his boundary.
Soon enough, CC heard about my 'final' breakup with KK. He decided to take his chance. He came and offerred to marry me after I finished with my advanced degree. Not only that, he offerred to let me raise our children to be christians. I rejected him. He didnt give up. The next day, he called and offered to believe in Jesus. I understood something. He was determined to do anything to have me back in his life. I had no choice but to be 'cruel'. I told him, we could no longer be communicating. I could not let him get his hopes up in an impossibility.
Winter of 2000 arrived rather quietly. There, my heart was once again, as cold as the snow. If that were the last time I had to deal with that kind of finality, it might not be so bad. But very unfortunately, that wasnt the case.
KK went home for Christmas and there he faced his ex crush who then was eager enough to start a relationship with him. She started to talk to me one day. We had a friendly heart to heart about KK. I was torn. She was a nice girl, and I even liked her. But I just couldnt bear the thought of KK with her. Life took a very wrong twist for three of us. If only whatever that happened in winter 1998 didnt happen, KK would not hesitate to start a relationship with her right then. I became the stumbling block, the hindrance. And I myself could have married CC. The timing was wrong for all four of us. The dramas of the love geometry....
That winter I knew jealousy. It was a new experience. Even though KK didnt pursue a relationship with her and she even gave up on the possibility, the hurt was still unbearable. Over the following two months, I lost a third of myself. I just didnt feel hungry anymore for a long time. All I felt was pain, and it took over everything else I was capable of feeling.
I didnt know where I got the idea that being sad and "loving" someone that much was shameful. In a strange way, I felt ashamed to feel so hurt that I was desperately trying to hide my sadness. So I moved on and ignored the pain by participating in lots of activities on campus to widen my social circle. In that few months I developed an uncontested talent in hiding my true feelings from everyone.
My relationship with KK during that time was really awkward. We saw each other lots but just couldnt talk much. The mutual attraction was obvious and we were trying hard to control ourselves until one Saturday in April (2000) I accepted his invitation to go on a fishing trip. So, by that semi frozen lake, he asked if we could resume our relationship. We drove home rejoicing. We promised ourselves to not repeat the past mistakes and not to take that opportunity for granted.
True enough, I was happy that KK was mine again. Unfortunately, I didnt know how to deal with my hurt properly. I either ignored them or denied them. Jealousy and insecurity has taken root and the doubt concerning his true feelings and motives continued to linger. I was chosen because of proximity. I wondered if both of us (me and his ex crush) were present, would he still choose me over her? He got really upset whenever I brought this issue up. Insecurity remained. I therefore could not trust him with my heart. I reserved a lot of myself to myself. Hurt continued to build.
I guess that is the reason I continued my friendship secretly through email with CC who had then stopped coming to see me every weekend. I even felt like I could be more transparent with CC but with KK, I was just really afraid to talk to him about anything.
KK and I had a serious problem with our relationship that nobody else seemed to notice. Besides our problem, we worked really well in ministry. That summer we and other comrades like Tayo, Christopher, Edmond, and others started an off campus summer evangelistic movement (known passionately as Lincoln Revival Team), outreaching the international students in our neighborhood. We studied the bible, worshipped, interceeded, led people to Jesus, took long distance trips, played sports, and made lots of food for the community. We even bought a Camry together and drove lots of people to church. Basically we were too busy to take care of our problem.
Then fall came, summer activities ceased and we were facing the reality of our relationship again. Through my insecurity and desire to avenge my own hurt, I had provoked KK to jealousy by befriending guys whom he felt threatened by. I guess the truth was, the insecurity wasnt just one sided. Through all these struggles, he decided to call the relationship off once again with the reason he wasnt good enough for me. In the middle of that, he found out about my secret correspondence with CC and went ballistic especially when he discovered I borrowed money from CC to help him with the downpayment of our car. The insult was too heavy for a man to handle but I couldnt accept his anger at me because to me, I was just asking a friend who wanted to return a favor. When CC first came back to NE, he had no money and I helped him to start off before he received his paycheck.
KK and I refused to understand and see the situation from another's perspectives. In anger, he swore off any possibility of us getting back again. I remember that afternoon he came to pick me from college to send me back to my apartment. We talked inside our car from 230 pm till 5 the next morning. I guess when the finality was there that the relationship was out of the picture, the threat of letting him know how I truly felt wasnt there anymore. Maybe that was true for him too. So, that accounted for our more than 12 hours long of heart-to-heart.
We finally had some insights of what was going on in each other's deeper self. But everything was over. KK had sworn me off forever and I respected his boundary.
Soon enough, CC heard about my 'final' breakup with KK. He decided to take his chance. He came and offerred to marry me after I finished with my advanced degree. Not only that, he offerred to let me raise our children to be christians. I rejected him. He didnt give up. The next day, he called and offered to believe in Jesus. I understood something. He was determined to do anything to have me back in his life. I had no choice but to be 'cruel'. I told him, we could no longer be communicating. I could not let him get his hopes up in an impossibility.
Winter of 2000 arrived rather quietly. There, my heart was once again, as cold as the snow. If that were the last time I had to deal with that kind of finality, it might not be so bad. But very unfortunately, that wasnt the case.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Part 4 - The Guilt
On April 2nd, CC returned. Those who were 'watching' this drama, began to speculate. It looked like KK didnt have such upperhand anymore. What would Angeline do then? It would be interesting to see my responses and decisions.
It was only a month away from my own graduation. CC said, we should just get a marriage license. Being his spouse, I would be able to get lots of benefits from his employment, especially with insurance policies. He got a job and was very confident to promise me a good life. I, on the other hand, contemplated. I did not agree nor disagree.
KK had lost his hopes since the news of CC returning was broken to him. But to me, the return of CC didnt change anything. I had already rejected KK, I wasnt excited to "marry" CC. I wanted to get out of the relationship, but it was getting more complicated. It would definitely looked like I did it because I wanted to be with KK. There was no way to explain myself.
I kept things cool between CC, and KK, until graduation came. CC came to Lincoln to attend my graduation and met with my parents. Being a hardcore agnostic, he would not open himself to Christianity. He and my parents had a bitter argument about love and religion. I felt sorry for him but at the same time proud that he stood on his ground.
Privately, my mother warned me that I should not agree to marry him unless he was willing to be a Christian. In my own mind, I thought, what does she know? She warned me about KK as well. Even though KK is a Christian, but I should not start a relationship with him either. Again I thought, what does she know?
I gave CC a long phone call. Basically I told him what my mom said. He cried. I didnt know what to do.
The next day, I gave him another call. I told him, things would not work out between us. He asked me, why. I said, I like KK even though Ive decided not to have a relationship with him. He replied, he doesnt care, there's still no need to break up. Ive graduated and I can leave Lincoln and everything else behind to be with him. Then I said, I am going to Arkansas with KK first, attending his sister's graduation. He said, that's fine with him too. He will wait.
Then, I finally realized something. There was no way CC would release me. He wouldnt do so 6 months ago, what made me think he would then. He was at a much better place, and could give much better offer. He was there with a promising career, an upperhand. There was no reason I should chose KK over him at that point. And I besides all that, could not find a single flaw with his character that deserves a dump.
There I decided to give in to KK's pursuit, to everyone's shock again. They were so sure I would choose CC.
KK and I went to Arkansas together as an involved couple. It was a relief to me, being able to freely express all the affections I had been holding for him for so long. But, at the same time, I was overwhelmed with guilt over my betrayal of CC. Countless times I was in KK's embrace crying profusely over my breakup with CC.
I broke the news to CC, who then wouldnt even get angry at me. My guilt grew heavier and heavier. Because of that guilt, I allowed CC to remain a friend. I allowed him to visit me every weekend (even though he never did the whole time he was back in Ne before we broke up).
Because of that guilt, my emotions and mind went beserk. I compared KK with CC all the time. Because of guilt, I could only see the good side of CC and I compared them with KK's weaknesses. Many times, KK and I blew up at each other. These were all new to me. CC and I hardly had any conflicts, not to say a blowup. There were dramatic demonstrations of anger that I'd only seen in the soap operas.
I did lots of hurtful things to KK, like insiting on meeting up with CC and even staying a night at CC's apartment when I was on my way to Chicago for a conference and flying through Omaha. I even brought CC to TGAN's fall camp one time. I told KK, CC and I were just friends, just like I was friends with him while I was still in a relationship with CC, and that he should not stop me from being his friends. Afterall, I had selfishly broken off the relationship with him and I felt the need to compensate him with something.
KK and I went in and out of relationships several times over that summer and fall. By winter, we decided that we had had it. We needed to take a longer time off from each other, processing through the events of that year.
1999 winter break, KK went home for holidays. It was just a year from winter 1998. So many things had changed and were changing. Whatever happened during that winter break, likewise, changed me, and the dynamics of our relationship.
It was only a month away from my own graduation. CC said, we should just get a marriage license. Being his spouse, I would be able to get lots of benefits from his employment, especially with insurance policies. He got a job and was very confident to promise me a good life. I, on the other hand, contemplated. I did not agree nor disagree.
KK had lost his hopes since the news of CC returning was broken to him. But to me, the return of CC didnt change anything. I had already rejected KK, I wasnt excited to "marry" CC. I wanted to get out of the relationship, but it was getting more complicated. It would definitely looked like I did it because I wanted to be with KK. There was no way to explain myself.
I kept things cool between CC, and KK, until graduation came. CC came to Lincoln to attend my graduation and met with my parents. Being a hardcore agnostic, he would not open himself to Christianity. He and my parents had a bitter argument about love and religion. I felt sorry for him but at the same time proud that he stood on his ground.
Privately, my mother warned me that I should not agree to marry him unless he was willing to be a Christian. In my own mind, I thought, what does she know? She warned me about KK as well. Even though KK is a Christian, but I should not start a relationship with him either. Again I thought, what does she know?
I gave CC a long phone call. Basically I told him what my mom said. He cried. I didnt know what to do.
The next day, I gave him another call. I told him, things would not work out between us. He asked me, why. I said, I like KK even though Ive decided not to have a relationship with him. He replied, he doesnt care, there's still no need to break up. Ive graduated and I can leave Lincoln and everything else behind to be with him. Then I said, I am going to Arkansas with KK first, attending his sister's graduation. He said, that's fine with him too. He will wait.
Then, I finally realized something. There was no way CC would release me. He wouldnt do so 6 months ago, what made me think he would then. He was at a much better place, and could give much better offer. He was there with a promising career, an upperhand. There was no reason I should chose KK over him at that point. And I besides all that, could not find a single flaw with his character that deserves a dump.
There I decided to give in to KK's pursuit, to everyone's shock again. They were so sure I would choose CC.
KK and I went to Arkansas together as an involved couple. It was a relief to me, being able to freely express all the affections I had been holding for him for so long. But, at the same time, I was overwhelmed with guilt over my betrayal of CC. Countless times I was in KK's embrace crying profusely over my breakup with CC.
I broke the news to CC, who then wouldnt even get angry at me. My guilt grew heavier and heavier. Because of that guilt, I allowed CC to remain a friend. I allowed him to visit me every weekend (even though he never did the whole time he was back in Ne before we broke up).
Because of that guilt, my emotions and mind went beserk. I compared KK with CC all the time. Because of guilt, I could only see the good side of CC and I compared them with KK's weaknesses. Many times, KK and I blew up at each other. These were all new to me. CC and I hardly had any conflicts, not to say a blowup. There were dramatic demonstrations of anger that I'd only seen in the soap operas.
I did lots of hurtful things to KK, like insiting on meeting up with CC and even staying a night at CC's apartment when I was on my way to Chicago for a conference and flying through Omaha. I even brought CC to TGAN's fall camp one time. I told KK, CC and I were just friends, just like I was friends with him while I was still in a relationship with CC, and that he should not stop me from being his friends. Afterall, I had selfishly broken off the relationship with him and I felt the need to compensate him with something.
KK and I went in and out of relationships several times over that summer and fall. By winter, we decided that we had had it. We needed to take a longer time off from each other, processing through the events of that year.
1999 winter break, KK went home for holidays. It was just a year from winter 1998. So many things had changed and were changing. Whatever happened during that winter break, likewise, changed me, and the dynamics of our relationship.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Part 3 - The Dilemma
Soon enough, Zoe started to notice that KK was treating me differently, like whenever we were together, he would not take his eyes off me but follow me everywhere I go. There was only one explanation. But, I denied the possibility... mainly because I didnt want to face the consequences. I was definitely selfish. I enjoyed his company, his attention but....
I didnt care much of what other people would think. By then, I was sure most people knew I was two-timing, especially my housemates as I would chat online with KK everynight. Wherever I was, he was there, as my roomate Wendy would say, "He is 'stuck' to me like a leech". Whatever relationship that was, there was already a problem of codependence. However, I was good at keeping a strict physical boundary between us. And I did not talk to him about my feelings or had given him any opportunity for that kind of discussion. So, there was no way anyone or I could say, we were being more than just friends. Officially I still belonged to Chern Chuan and even though I was crazy about KK, I couldnt permit myself to betray him.
I didnt keep my relationship with KK a secret from CC either. On the phone, I told him that I had grown especially close with KK while he was away. All he said to me was he trusted me. He saw nothing wrong with me having a really close guy friend even though I already had a boyfriend. He could accept that. At that I told him he could trust me that I would remain faithful to him....whatever that meant.
At that point, I told myself, "CC is a good guy and he is good to me. Love is a choice not just this crazy feeling. I was once infatuated with CC, the feeling has faded, and we've already agreed on this a long time ago, even when our feelings fade, we will continue to hold on to our decisions to stay together". There was no way I could find a reason to break that commitment.
March came, and there was spring break. KK invited me to go with the college students at his church (we were attending different church then) to Pensacola, FL to visit that famous Brownsville Revival Church. I accepted his offer. I think I lost all my sanity there. For the first time, I allowed myself to be held by him for comfort (it was a 3-day roadtrip!!!!). Not only that, I let that affection be seen in public!!! I was insane, alright.
A few of the TGAN people were in serious shock because all those while they thought KK was interested in Zoe. Well, it was hard to tell when we all hung out together. And of course some were outraged at the new found scandal. It would have been ok with them if I had a proper breakup with CC. And that had failed to happen!! The pressure came on him as he was one of the core leaders of TGAN to sort things out.
KK's college pastor then also approached and questioned him about his relationship with me. After learning all the background dramas, he grinned and encouraged KK to take his chance. First, CC wasnt a Christian; second, he was gone; and third, my ring finger was clean. Think about the benefits, he said, Angeline gets to remove herself from a wrong relationship, and you get yourself a hot chicken...life is all about competition and apparently you have an upperhand. It's time to make a move.
And that brought us to the very memorable meeting at Wendy's, March 22nd 1999. (I only remember it because that was the day my grandmother died). There KK officially confessed his feeling and desire to be my boyfriend. And I confessed my liking of him but had to decline his offer because I need to remain loyal to CC.
Yes, I was selfish. I didnt realize his awkwardness and disappointment after that. I was pretty much assuming things between us would stay the same. And to me, it did.
A week later, CC informed me he's gotten a job at Blue Cross and Blue Shield Omaha through an email interview. (More craziness). He said, he didnt want to tell me earlier about the possibility of coming back, afraid that I would get my hopes up and then disappointed if he failed to get the job. I was really touched. Where would anyone find a man like that?
So four months after he left, Chern Chuan returned to Nebraska, into the middle of my dilemma.
Sigh...
Shouldnt the dramas be kept on the stage?
I didnt care much of what other people would think. By then, I was sure most people knew I was two-timing, especially my housemates as I would chat online with KK everynight. Wherever I was, he was there, as my roomate Wendy would say, "He is 'stuck' to me like a leech". Whatever relationship that was, there was already a problem of codependence. However, I was good at keeping a strict physical boundary between us. And I did not talk to him about my feelings or had given him any opportunity for that kind of discussion. So, there was no way anyone or I could say, we were being more than just friends. Officially I still belonged to Chern Chuan and even though I was crazy about KK, I couldnt permit myself to betray him.
I didnt keep my relationship with KK a secret from CC either. On the phone, I told him that I had grown especially close with KK while he was away. All he said to me was he trusted me. He saw nothing wrong with me having a really close guy friend even though I already had a boyfriend. He could accept that. At that I told him he could trust me that I would remain faithful to him....whatever that meant.
At that point, I told myself, "CC is a good guy and he is good to me. Love is a choice not just this crazy feeling. I was once infatuated with CC, the feeling has faded, and we've already agreed on this a long time ago, even when our feelings fade, we will continue to hold on to our decisions to stay together". There was no way I could find a reason to break that commitment.
March came, and there was spring break. KK invited me to go with the college students at his church (we were attending different church then) to Pensacola, FL to visit that famous Brownsville Revival Church. I accepted his offer. I think I lost all my sanity there. For the first time, I allowed myself to be held by him for comfort (it was a 3-day roadtrip!!!!). Not only that, I let that affection be seen in public!!! I was insane, alright.
A few of the TGAN people were in serious shock because all those while they thought KK was interested in Zoe. Well, it was hard to tell when we all hung out together. And of course some were outraged at the new found scandal. It would have been ok with them if I had a proper breakup with CC. And that had failed to happen!! The pressure came on him as he was one of the core leaders of TGAN to sort things out.
KK's college pastor then also approached and questioned him about his relationship with me. After learning all the background dramas, he grinned and encouraged KK to take his chance. First, CC wasnt a Christian; second, he was gone; and third, my ring finger was clean. Think about the benefits, he said, Angeline gets to remove herself from a wrong relationship, and you get yourself a hot chicken...life is all about competition and apparently you have an upperhand. It's time to make a move.
And that brought us to the very memorable meeting at Wendy's, March 22nd 1999. (I only remember it because that was the day my grandmother died). There KK officially confessed his feeling and desire to be my boyfriend. And I confessed my liking of him but had to decline his offer because I need to remain loyal to CC.
Yes, I was selfish. I didnt realize his awkwardness and disappointment after that. I was pretty much assuming things between us would stay the same. And to me, it did.
A week later, CC informed me he's gotten a job at Blue Cross and Blue Shield Omaha through an email interview. (More craziness). He said, he didnt want to tell me earlier about the possibility of coming back, afraid that I would get my hopes up and then disappointed if he failed to get the job. I was really touched. Where would anyone find a man like that?
So four months after he left, Chern Chuan returned to Nebraska, into the middle of my dilemma.
Sigh...
Shouldnt the dramas be kept on the stage?
Sunday, September 10, 2006
A "love" story - part 2
Before I continue, I need to shift gear and share about my relationship Chern Chuan during Fall 1998.
Like I said, I was VERY busy. I was heavily involved with NUMSA (Nebraska University Malaysian Student Association), which Chern Chuan was a dissociate, never attended any of its functions or gatherings. And he wasnt anymore interested in TGAN since he wasnt a Christian. Naturally, it became strange for me that he was even my boyfriend because we hardly saw each other nor our lives had anything to do with each other.
One day, I said to him, "We should end the nominal relationship. Obviously we are doing very well absent from each others lives. Since you are graduating and leaving and we dont know what future holds, let's just part ways here. This is the most rational and good ending for this relationship". He responded as calmly as I did, "No, let's not do that. There's no need for a breakup because there arent any disagreements, arguments or things like that. Our relationship is great and we are both very understanding of each other. Breakup like this is just too strange for me. I dont know what to think about it" .
I did not insist. Whether I broke up with him or not, I didnt see how it affect my life then. On the other hand, I wasnt planning on having another boyfriend. I sort of hoped to marry Chern Chuan someday even though I didn't see how it would happen...not because I didnt trust that he would marry me, rather because marriage wasnt a desperate thing on my 21 year old mind. So, I let myself continue in that relationship.
Chern Chuan graduated and left Lincoln on Christmas Eve, 1998.
Something happened in the next two weeks of that 3-week fateful winter break.
It was during that winter break, I "reconciled" with the TGANites (KK, Tayo, Christopher and Zoe) , getting involved with their activities. We spent lots of time together making meals, doing groceries, praying, having end-of-the-year parties, going to church etc. Especially with KK, I began to have long conversations with him and found out our common grounds...eg, he grew up in a catholic all boys schools and me in all girls', and both of us grew up as church musicians...etc.
1998 ended.
Remembering correctly, it was in the beginning of January 1999, at KK's room I whispered to Zoe, "I dont know why, I am strangely drawn to KK." I knew Zoe will be shocked. She was. I was. Nobody saw that coming. Chern Chuan just left for 2 weeks. It was insanity. So she asked, "So, what are you going to do?". "Nothing. Besides this is just my feelings. I am sure he will never be interested in me. There's no reason he should be. First, he is a holy leader of TGAN and I am still living with a bunch of pagans and I still have a pagan boyfriend. He can pick a better girl easily anyday." I rationalized. Zoe agreed and we both laughed.
Winter break was over. I was having withdrawal big time. Suddenly, I didnt get to eat, play and pray with the TGANites everyday anymore. Most unbearably, I missed seeing KK. I wondered if he liked me..even a bit.
But, what good is that going to do if he does?
Do I like him enough to leave Chern Chuan?
Why do I even like him?
Am I crazy already?
All those mind torturing questions...
Like I said, I was VERY busy. I was heavily involved with NUMSA (Nebraska University Malaysian Student Association), which Chern Chuan was a dissociate, never attended any of its functions or gatherings. And he wasnt anymore interested in TGAN since he wasnt a Christian. Naturally, it became strange for me that he was even my boyfriend because we hardly saw each other nor our lives had anything to do with each other.
One day, I said to him, "We should end the nominal relationship. Obviously we are doing very well absent from each others lives. Since you are graduating and leaving and we dont know what future holds, let's just part ways here. This is the most rational and good ending for this relationship". He responded as calmly as I did, "No, let's not do that. There's no need for a breakup because there arent any disagreements, arguments or things like that. Our relationship is great and we are both very understanding of each other. Breakup like this is just too strange for me. I dont know what to think about it" .
I did not insist. Whether I broke up with him or not, I didnt see how it affect my life then. On the other hand, I wasnt planning on having another boyfriend. I sort of hoped to marry Chern Chuan someday even though I didn't see how it would happen...not because I didnt trust that he would marry me, rather because marriage wasnt a desperate thing on my 21 year old mind. So, I let myself continue in that relationship.
Chern Chuan graduated and left Lincoln on Christmas Eve, 1998.
Something happened in the next two weeks of that 3-week fateful winter break.
It was during that winter break, I "reconciled" with the TGANites (KK, Tayo, Christopher and Zoe) , getting involved with their activities. We spent lots of time together making meals, doing groceries, praying, having end-of-the-year parties, going to church etc. Especially with KK, I began to have long conversations with him and found out our common grounds...eg, he grew up in a catholic all boys schools and me in all girls', and both of us grew up as church musicians...etc.
1998 ended.
Remembering correctly, it was in the beginning of January 1999, at KK's room I whispered to Zoe, "I dont know why, I am strangely drawn to KK." I knew Zoe will be shocked. She was. I was. Nobody saw that coming. Chern Chuan just left for 2 weeks. It was insanity. So she asked, "So, what are you going to do?". "Nothing. Besides this is just my feelings. I am sure he will never be interested in me. There's no reason he should be. First, he is a holy leader of TGAN and I am still living with a bunch of pagans and I still have a pagan boyfriend. He can pick a better girl easily anyday." I rationalized. Zoe agreed and we both laughed.
Winter break was over. I was having withdrawal big time. Suddenly, I didnt get to eat, play and pray with the TGANites everyday anymore. Most unbearably, I missed seeing KK. I wondered if he liked me..even a bit.
But, what good is that going to do if he does?
Do I like him enough to leave Chern Chuan?
Why do I even like him?
Am I crazy already?
All those mind torturing questions...
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
A "love" story from Angeline's memory
There was just nothing special about 1998. I was a plain 21-year-old senior at the UNL, busy with everything else but God. There was absolutely nothing significant, nothing interesting about it as I lived through the whole year unsuspectingly. Only until much later, enlightenment came. Every seemingly trivial and random thing, gradually evolved, formed a greater definition and as of now leading towards 11.11.06 until death separates us.
Kah Kheng came to Nebraska for the Spring 98 semester. He introduced himself to the Sunday School which we attended at Christ's Place Church. "What a strange name, strange face, and strange hair", I thought, "a new Malaysian student...rare enough that he's a christian, I'm sure he will be asked to get involved with TGAN ( a Christian chapter started by international students, primarily Malaysians) soon". I was a TGAN musician then, for no surprise.
My second encounter with Kah Kheng was at Selleck Kitchen. I was working part time washing dishes with my then boyfriend Chern Chuan who was the dishroom supervisor that night. So there was this new student worker (KK) coming to work every Wednesday night now. The only reason I took notice of him was that he was a record slow. Our usual clockout time was around 745p and had never worked past 8 unless there was a special dinner. And the rule was no one leaves until everyone's done. It was 815p and even though Chern Chuan was helping KK scratching the pots, we were all still in the kitchen. I remember being so angry and wanted to leave. But Chern Chuan being the kind but fair dishroom leader wouldnt allow me. We waited and waited and finally we clocked out at 825p!!! Outside the kitchen, I spat fire and brimstones at Chern Chuan who gently defended KK and at the same time trying to calm me down. A couple weeks later, KK quitted his shift. It's not easy being Selleck's dishroom crew.
I have no memory of bringing KK from Selleck to Kimball Music Hall for TGAN meeting as he remembered. From my memory, he was already there with Shannon waiting for me to arrive. So there, we officially met (when I told him my name for the first time), shook hands, at Kimball Music Hall, for worship practice. Shannon had invited him to be our guest musician that night. I remember seeing him tuning his guitar with a tuner. It was the first time in my life to see a guitar tuner. "Oh my gosh", I thought, "this guy is a guitar geek"! Real respect and admiration for him suddenly came. I was more open to the possibility of friendship. Even so, we still hardly talk. I remember the same night, we walked back to Selleck together without a single word being exchanged.
Summer came. There was an internal chaos in the leadership of Malaysian student association. Many events were coming up but there was no official committee assigned to plan for the logisitics. The newly chosen leader sent out a word, requesting the Malaysian community to volunteer themselves to serve temporarily during the summer until the next official election. I signed up for it. So did KK.
My next close encounter with KK was during that first temporary committee meeting. While we were waiting for all the volunteers to come, I overheard some of the conversations between him and his friends. I learnt what he was like from how they talked. "Oh my goodness....how immature and arrogant these boys are!", I thought to myself and I even remember thinking this specifically "Thank goodness, my own boyfriend isn't like them at all"! From that time onwards, I made a mental decision, leaning towards not liking KK.
Almost the end of that summer, something came up again. I was away for a few days attending a Food Technologist conference in Atlanta. He was doing a summer school in Arizona. Both of us happened to be absent for the same volunteers meeting. Because of that the group made a decision without us that both of us would be organizing a welcoming party for the new students. I was less than happy about it mainly because I didnt know KK at all and I was forced to work together with him. Being his senior, I had an upper hand in controlling the scene. I delegated the work in such way that we need minimal contact. The party went decent and we again parted ways minding our own business.
That fall, I withdrew myself from TGAN's involvement and became Special Project Executive for the Malaysian Student Association. Within expectation, KK took over my position in TGAN as the music director. Life had become busier. I quitted my job at Selleck and worked 40 hours at a lab in my department. This was during the Asian Economic Crisis where students from affected countries were allowed to work full time and study part time. Very often, KK would persuade me to go back to TGAN by inviting me to play for worship. So, I became even busier.
It was also during that time we developed a online friendship. I was on the computer a lot....doing homework, typing papers, downloading music, being a geek...etc. We would send instant messages back and forth as we did our homework. So, in that geekiness, we somewhat connected. He was rather likable, surprisingly. Even so, he was still more an acquaintance than a friend then.
We rode to Des Moines together for IVCF's Fall conference, with Zoe and Brian. That was the most memorable conference. Even putting God far behind my mind, I felt his call twice in that weekend, TO GO TO THE LOST. I recall standing beside KK one morning at a service. I stole a look at his face and I saw his tears when someone on the stage challenged us to go on missions. "What a guy" I thought, "I bet he really loves God". Anyway, even until today, we've not talked about it.
Despite what he wrote, in my memory and in my heart, KK finally became my friend that weekend.
To be continued...
Kah Kheng came to Nebraska for the Spring 98 semester. He introduced himself to the Sunday School which we attended at Christ's Place Church. "What a strange name, strange face, and strange hair", I thought, "a new Malaysian student...rare enough that he's a christian, I'm sure he will be asked to get involved with TGAN ( a Christian chapter started by international students, primarily Malaysians) soon". I was a TGAN musician then, for no surprise.
My second encounter with Kah Kheng was at Selleck Kitchen. I was working part time washing dishes with my then boyfriend Chern Chuan who was the dishroom supervisor that night. So there was this new student worker (KK) coming to work every Wednesday night now. The only reason I took notice of him was that he was a record slow. Our usual clockout time was around 745p and had never worked past 8 unless there was a special dinner. And the rule was no one leaves until everyone's done. It was 815p and even though Chern Chuan was helping KK scratching the pots, we were all still in the kitchen. I remember being so angry and wanted to leave. But Chern Chuan being the kind but fair dishroom leader wouldnt allow me. We waited and waited and finally we clocked out at 825p!!! Outside the kitchen, I spat fire and brimstones at Chern Chuan who gently defended KK and at the same time trying to calm me down. A couple weeks later, KK quitted his shift. It's not easy being Selleck's dishroom crew.
I have no memory of bringing KK from Selleck to Kimball Music Hall for TGAN meeting as he remembered. From my memory, he was already there with Shannon waiting for me to arrive. So there, we officially met (when I told him my name for the first time), shook hands, at Kimball Music Hall, for worship practice. Shannon had invited him to be our guest musician that night. I remember seeing him tuning his guitar with a tuner. It was the first time in my life to see a guitar tuner. "Oh my gosh", I thought, "this guy is a guitar geek"! Real respect and admiration for him suddenly came. I was more open to the possibility of friendship. Even so, we still hardly talk. I remember the same night, we walked back to Selleck together without a single word being exchanged.
Summer came. There was an internal chaos in the leadership of Malaysian student association. Many events were coming up but there was no official committee assigned to plan for the logisitics. The newly chosen leader sent out a word, requesting the Malaysian community to volunteer themselves to serve temporarily during the summer until the next official election. I signed up for it. So did KK.
My next close encounter with KK was during that first temporary committee meeting. While we were waiting for all the volunteers to come, I overheard some of the conversations between him and his friends. I learnt what he was like from how they talked. "Oh my goodness....how immature and arrogant these boys are!", I thought to myself and I even remember thinking this specifically "Thank goodness, my own boyfriend isn't like them at all"! From that time onwards, I made a mental decision, leaning towards not liking KK.
Almost the end of that summer, something came up again. I was away for a few days attending a Food Technologist conference in Atlanta. He was doing a summer school in Arizona. Both of us happened to be absent for the same volunteers meeting. Because of that the group made a decision without us that both of us would be organizing a welcoming party for the new students. I was less than happy about it mainly because I didnt know KK at all and I was forced to work together with him. Being his senior, I had an upper hand in controlling the scene. I delegated the work in such way that we need minimal contact. The party went decent and we again parted ways minding our own business.
That fall, I withdrew myself from TGAN's involvement and became Special Project Executive for the Malaysian Student Association. Within expectation, KK took over my position in TGAN as the music director. Life had become busier. I quitted my job at Selleck and worked 40 hours at a lab in my department. This was during the Asian Economic Crisis where students from affected countries were allowed to work full time and study part time. Very often, KK would persuade me to go back to TGAN by inviting me to play for worship. So, I became even busier.
It was also during that time we developed a online friendship. I was on the computer a lot....doing homework, typing papers, downloading music, being a geek...etc. We would send instant messages back and forth as we did our homework. So, in that geekiness, we somewhat connected. He was rather likable, surprisingly. Even so, he was still more an acquaintance than a friend then.
We rode to Des Moines together for IVCF's Fall conference, with Zoe and Brian. That was the most memorable conference. Even putting God far behind my mind, I felt his call twice in that weekend, TO GO TO THE LOST. I recall standing beside KK one morning at a service. I stole a look at his face and I saw his tears when someone on the stage challenged us to go on missions. "What a guy" I thought, "I bet he really loves God". Anyway, even until today, we've not talked about it.
Despite what he wrote, in my memory and in my heart, KK finally became my friend that weekend.
To be continued...
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I am back...
with polka dots and white background, mucho relief to my eyes.
to my dashboard which i ignored for 10 days.
on my pills which i always almost forgot to take.
listening to Jay Chow and Michael Wong.
to my dashboard which i ignored for 10 days.
on my pills which i always almost forgot to take.
listening to Jay Chow and Michael Wong.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
This Saturday I...
bought gifts for my bridesmaids,
bought gifts for my groom,
bought hair claws for myself,
developed more photos,
ate Indian food with Caryl,
chatted with Judy for almost 2 hours,
felt tired but accomplished.
bought gifts for my groom,
bought hair claws for myself,
developed more photos,
ate Indian food with Caryl,
chatted with Judy for almost 2 hours,
felt tired but accomplished.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
If we werent missionaries...
We would be...(from my interviews with the following...)
Tryfina - a Bollywood star
Godwin - a Kholiwood star
Catherine - a Housewife with a few kids
Sophia - an Inmate
Anna - a Stripper
Faby - a Mafia Mama, probably selling drugs
Me - either a Secret Agent or an Assasin.
Tryfina - a Bollywood star
Godwin - a Kholiwood star
Catherine - a Housewife with a few kids
Sophia - an Inmate
Anna - a Stripper
Faby - a Mafia Mama, probably selling drugs
Me - either a Secret Agent or an Assasin.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
My past life 2
I cant really give a confident yes that I like my major. Ive always stumbled when people asked me why I chose to study Food Science and Technology...and then a Masters Degree? Then the regular question, is that about nutrition and diet, what food is good and bad for you, etc? I rolled my eyes. NO.
These are the aspects of food science (at least at UNL)....
Molecular pathogenesis, chemical & physical stress responses
Mycology, Mycotoxins, Microbial food safety
Lipid and Natural Antioxidant Chemistry
Food allergies and Immunochemical methods
Food Biotechnology, Microbiology, Processing, Engineering, Physical Properties
Studies of food commodities: Dairy, Egg Products, Cereals, Fruits & Veg, Fermented foods, Fresh and Processed Meats.
Food Law (FDA, USDA)
Enzymology, Protein chemistry
Analytical Methods Development, Nutraceuticals
Sensors for Food Quality & Safety
Most of the research especially the areas of food microbiology, mycology and allergy are so heavily medical oriented that it wont even cross your mind that this is what food scientists do.
Food is very cultural. As a Asian, I actually struggled a lot liking some of the courses. I took Dairy Products one semester and almost flunked. Almost dropped Animal Science too. I was told that the class was easy...so I took it. I realised I had to make some background adjustments. The people that said AnSci was easy were those cowboys growing up in Ne farms. Ive never seen a cow in my life! Imagine my horror of looking at different meat cuts and then name the muscles on those cuts for my exam!! Despite all these difficulties, I managed to gain some appreciation for fine cheeses.
Looking at those, seemingly Food Science was not the best course choice for me, but God redeemed it in many other ways. God's presence was with me the whole time. I met so many outstanding individuals in this department and received favors from them. Professors that did research in similar areas collaborated with each other, shared their findings, lab equipments and encouraged interactions among their students. No immaturity. We treated each other like family. There was no slander, no gossips about anyone, any professors. That was very uncommon in science departments where professors were often in competition and suspicious of each other, afraid and jealous that the others would get more grants for their projects that they disallowed their students to talk to any of their rivals' students.
We were also very international. About 99% of post graduate students were international students. Even then we get along well with our very culturally sensitive American hosts. Because of that, the department threw potlucks every now and then and invited students from each nation to prepare their food to share with everyone. The fun thing was we all prepared the food in our own food grade lab in the department.
That was an amazing community with more godly things going on than some churches that I know. I really miss it like home. And actually it WAS home. As a graduate student, I was given a key that unlocks every entrance to the building that I could access the building any hour I want.
Like I said a lot of times...God is good to me. NE was a gift. Food science department was a divine gift! What did I learn from this experience?
Sometimes, the impersonal things may not seem fitting, but great personal beings make the experience worth living.
How do you like your department in college?
These are the aspects of food science (at least at UNL)....
Molecular pathogenesis, chemical & physical stress responses
Mycology, Mycotoxins, Microbial food safety
Lipid and Natural Antioxidant Chemistry
Food allergies and Immunochemical methods
Food Biotechnology, Microbiology, Processing, Engineering, Physical Properties
Studies of food commodities: Dairy, Egg Products, Cereals, Fruits & Veg, Fermented foods, Fresh and Processed Meats.
Food Law (FDA, USDA)
Enzymology, Protein chemistry
Analytical Methods Development, Nutraceuticals
Sensors for Food Quality & Safety
Most of the research especially the areas of food microbiology, mycology and allergy are so heavily medical oriented that it wont even cross your mind that this is what food scientists do.
Food is very cultural. As a Asian, I actually struggled a lot liking some of the courses. I took Dairy Products one semester and almost flunked. Almost dropped Animal Science too. I was told that the class was easy...so I took it. I realised I had to make some background adjustments. The people that said AnSci was easy were those cowboys growing up in Ne farms. Ive never seen a cow in my life! Imagine my horror of looking at different meat cuts and then name the muscles on those cuts for my exam!! Despite all these difficulties, I managed to gain some appreciation for fine cheeses.
Looking at those, seemingly Food Science was not the best course choice for me, but God redeemed it in many other ways. God's presence was with me the whole time. I met so many outstanding individuals in this department and received favors from them. Professors that did research in similar areas collaborated with each other, shared their findings, lab equipments and encouraged interactions among their students. No immaturity. We treated each other like family. There was no slander, no gossips about anyone, any professors. That was very uncommon in science departments where professors were often in competition and suspicious of each other, afraid and jealous that the others would get more grants for their projects that they disallowed their students to talk to any of their rivals' students.
We were also very international. About 99% of post graduate students were international students. Even then we get along well with our very culturally sensitive American hosts. Because of that, the department threw potlucks every now and then and invited students from each nation to prepare their food to share with everyone. The fun thing was we all prepared the food in our own food grade lab in the department.
That was an amazing community with more godly things going on than some churches that I know. I really miss it like home. And actually it WAS home. As a graduate student, I was given a key that unlocks every entrance to the building that I could access the building any hour I want.
Like I said a lot of times...God is good to me. NE was a gift. Food science department was a divine gift! What did I learn from this experience?
Sometimes, the impersonal things may not seem fitting, but great personal beings make the experience worth living.
How do you like your department in college?
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
wedding pictures
dear anonymous,
the photos were taken at Armadale Bespoke studio house at Damansara Heights, Malaysia. you likey huh?
the photos were taken at Armadale Bespoke studio house at Damansara Heights, Malaysia. you likey huh?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Responses to what Caryl knows about angeline by angeline
she bought really really sexy underwear for her future husband. Yes, I am surprised as well.
He worked so hard to plan for the wedding. That's the least Angeline can do to show appreciation.
She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
The way to most people's heart is through the stomach...Angeline knows it well.
she's very huggable, and loveable.
Undeniable fact. She thinks she is a cat...sometimes a toy cat.
she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
Actually she doesnt mind coming in as long as nothing crazy happens...but that hasnt been the case.
She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
She sometimes wonder why it is so hard to convince Caryl....while everyone else just complied.
she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
Actually she hates the fact she is leaving Caryl. boo hoo hooo. She loves Caryl very very very much too.
she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
Only for Caryl as a joke...she didnt buy them, she just happened to get them for free..lucky her.
she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
That's a compliment!
she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
She loves to play smartcat and she just couldnt help it. This is by far the strongest influence of KK in her.
she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
They were so good together! She wished they were trinity forever.
she is very organized when she wants to be.
That's another compliment. She figured she wouldnt be so loveable being a compulsive organizer.
for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
Some of the invalid reasons being, she loves to leap down and climb up to her territory like a cat, and she knew no one else would prefer the top bunk over the bottom.
she's good at backrubs
And Caryl is good at receiving them.
she loves chinese food
To eat them and to make them.
she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
She wished she could play faster and better but I guess she is pleased with what she's got there.
she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
She wants people to think she is actually very dangerous if anyone wanted to mess with her. STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP !!!!!
she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
Her cat nature....besides the fish was really good.
she is a maniac driver on the bike.
Biking..she misses biking. She had an SR with her bike (suddenly nolstalgic)
she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.
Nevertheless, she IS a good girl. :)
He worked so hard to plan for the wedding. That's the least Angeline can do to show appreciation.
She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
The way to most people's heart is through the stomach...Angeline knows it well.
she's very huggable, and loveable.
Undeniable fact. She thinks she is a cat...sometimes a toy cat.
she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
Actually she doesnt mind coming in as long as nothing crazy happens...but that hasnt been the case.
She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
She sometimes wonder why it is so hard to convince Caryl....while everyone else just complied.
she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
Actually she hates the fact she is leaving Caryl. boo hoo hooo. She loves Caryl very very very much too.
she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
Only for Caryl as a joke...she didnt buy them, she just happened to get them for free..lucky her.
she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
That's a compliment!
she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
She loves to play smartcat and she just couldnt help it. This is by far the strongest influence of KK in her.
she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
They were so good together! She wished they were trinity forever.
she is very organized when she wants to be.
That's another compliment. She figured she wouldnt be so loveable being a compulsive organizer.
for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
Some of the invalid reasons being, she loves to leap down and climb up to her territory like a cat, and she knew no one else would prefer the top bunk over the bottom.
she's good at backrubs
And Caryl is good at receiving them.
she loves chinese food
To eat them and to make them.
she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
She wished she could play faster and better but I guess she is pleased with what she's got there.
she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
She wants people to think she is actually very dangerous if anyone wanted to mess with her. STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP !!!!!
she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
Her cat nature....besides the fish was really good.
she is a maniac driver on the bike.
Biking..she misses biking. She had an SR with her bike (suddenly nolstalgic)
she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.
Nevertheless, she IS a good girl. :)
things I know about angeline by Caryl
she bought really really sexy underwear for her future husband. Yes, I am surprised as well.
She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
she's very huggable, and loveable.
she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
she is very organized when she wants to be.
for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
she's good at backrubs
she loves chinese food
she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
she is a maniac driver on the bike.
she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.
Okay enough of praising angeline. She just said "is THAT ALL"?
If you know more add your own. Just write a note to her blog. She'll love it!
She's a cooking diva and makes wonderful food for all.
she's very huggable, and loveable.
she gets frustrated when she has to come in on her day off.
She thinks she's a cat but I know differently.
she loves Kah kheng very very very much and can't wait to be his wife. So much so that she is leaving me behind. boo hoo hoo.
she loves to buy stuffed animals for people
she fits in well with the people of china and loves them a lot.
she loves to investigate the bible and make sure all teachers are accurate
she likes the trinity, angeline, keith and caryl and she thinks they are divine (her words not mine)
she is very organized when she wants to be.
for some reason she likes sleeping on the top bunk. Go figure!
she's good at backrubs
she loves chinese food
she plays the piano marvelously!!!!
she has a very heavy foot. You always it's her going up or down the stairs.
she once ate a huge fish by herself. I would have been sick eating just half of it.
she is a maniac driver on the bike.
she forgets to take her medicine like a good girl.
Okay enough of praising angeline. She just said "is THAT ALL"?
If you know more add your own. Just write a note to her blog. She'll love it!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Working on day off 3
Phone rang about 730am. Meliza came in and said, Jonathan was on the phone for me. Another episode in the series of Kitchen Horrors was about to begin.......
Jonathan: Are you coming to prepare the breakfast with us?
Me: No. I left you and Jay the instructions to make chicken pot pie. Didnt you see it? Just follow them and you will be ok. It is very easy.
Jonathan: I am not really confident and I dont see the chicken pie recipe. I dont know where things are.
Me(annoyed): This is my day off....
Jonathan: Ok...
Click.
I went back up to my bunk. I wanted to sleep more....my bottom bunkmate moaned whole last night and this morning...whine whine whine whine whine and whine....
I jumped back down and went to the kitchen. They were both looking at the Nasi Lemak recipe, probably almost in tears. I told them...no, we are not making that. The instruction you were supposed to look at is on the counter as I pointed and to my amazement, it wasnt there. Good thing I came down. So, the next few minutes I was looking frantically for the instructions. Then I gave up. I went to the computer and reprinted the recipe. I could not understand how the paper just disappeared. The strangest thing happened. I didnt know how I was suddenly inspired to look under the microwave. There I pulled out the instruction that I left on the counter the night before.
IMAGINE MY FURY!
This joke was NOT FUNNY. I dont want to find out who did it because forgiveness is very challenging now.
Anyway, I ended up staying with them until the pie was out of the oven. Instruction wouldnt have helped anyway. They didnt know how to boil the chicken...how to tell if the chicken was cooked, where to look for frozen vegetables, where to look for anything!
In the afternoon, I spat all the fire and brimstones at Faby. She finally said, they will continue to rely on me as long as I am in the kitchen. I need to just not be around, and they will HAVE TO figure things out by themselves.
I took the advice. Afterall I want to be by myself today so that people are safe. Cant even remember the last time I went to Yuen Long completely detached from business.
So I went there and decided to be generous on myself after all my hardwork....I bought 3 amazingwears and 4 scandalouswears. The base will get to see the amazingwears but only my husband gets to see the scandalouswears.
Finally, my fury subsided.
Jonathan: Are you coming to prepare the breakfast with us?
Me: No. I left you and Jay the instructions to make chicken pot pie. Didnt you see it? Just follow them and you will be ok. It is very easy.
Jonathan: I am not really confident and I dont see the chicken pie recipe. I dont know where things are.
Me(annoyed): This is my day off....
Jonathan: Ok...
Click.
I went back up to my bunk. I wanted to sleep more....my bottom bunkmate moaned whole last night and this morning...whine whine whine whine whine and whine....
I jumped back down and went to the kitchen. They were both looking at the Nasi Lemak recipe, probably almost in tears. I told them...no, we are not making that. The instruction you were supposed to look at is on the counter as I pointed and to my amazement, it wasnt there. Good thing I came down. So, the next few minutes I was looking frantically for the instructions. Then I gave up. I went to the computer and reprinted the recipe. I could not understand how the paper just disappeared. The strangest thing happened. I didnt know how I was suddenly inspired to look under the microwave. There I pulled out the instruction that I left on the counter the night before.
IMAGINE MY FURY!
This joke was NOT FUNNY. I dont want to find out who did it because forgiveness is very challenging now.
Anyway, I ended up staying with them until the pie was out of the oven. Instruction wouldnt have helped anyway. They didnt know how to boil the chicken...how to tell if the chicken was cooked, where to look for frozen vegetables, where to look for anything!
In the afternoon, I spat all the fire and brimstones at Faby. She finally said, they will continue to rely on me as long as I am in the kitchen. I need to just not be around, and they will HAVE TO figure things out by themselves.
I took the advice. Afterall I want to be by myself today so that people are safe. Cant even remember the last time I went to Yuen Long completely detached from business.
So I went there and decided to be generous on myself after all my hardwork....I bought 3 amazingwears and 4 scandalouswears. The base will get to see the amazingwears but only my husband gets to see the scandalouswears.
Finally, my fury subsided.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
My SR (only used this term in ywam)
5 months post engagement, and 4 months towards the big day. This long distance SR (since Nov 2005) is getting so REAL. What they said about the hardship of intimate relationship is true to me experientially (<--no such word).
There were disagreements;
There were issues of the past;
There were failure of seeing from the other's perspective;
There were unintentional offenses due to PMS;
There were misunderstanding due to ineffective communications;
There were long arguments;
There were tears;
There were sleepless nights; and
There were even the occasional fear of "what if I could get along with anyone on the face of the earth except my only husband".
But, there was never malicious words;
Never unforgiveness;
Never disrespect; and
Never a doubt about this coming marriage.
There was always love;
Always joy;
Always peace;and
Always trust;
But especially love.
There were disagreements;
There were issues of the past;
There were failure of seeing from the other's perspective;
There were unintentional offenses due to PMS;
There were misunderstanding due to ineffective communications;
There were long arguments;
There were tears;
There were sleepless nights; and
There were even the occasional fear of "what if I could get along with anyone on the face of the earth except my only husband".
But, there was never malicious words;
Never unforgiveness;
Never disrespect; and
Never a doubt about this coming marriage.
There was always love;
Always joy;
Always peace;and
Always trust;
But especially love.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Working on day off 2
This is far worse than the first.
I knew I could not possibly have a real day off especially when that was a less than 24 hour notice. Today was a food run day, not just any food run but Culture Night food run. I wasnt ready for this yesterday. Could have done everything last night but I was dead by dinner time. So, I thought..better come in after a night's rest to pick up the ends.
My anger tonight has everything to do with Wellcome Delivers. They dont. I was expecting this delivery yesterday afternoon! I missed it because I was in class. So, I had to come in today for that too. I waited the whole morning till 2pm and I couldnt wait any longer. I called them up. They rescheduled the delivery till 6-8pm tonight. That was fine. Got a check from Joe and was ready for it.
I finished organizing the food run and sent the crew off by 4. Things were normal in the kitchen too. Just when I thought I could get out of here and come back before 6, it started raining. By the time it stopped it was almost 6.
So I sat in here and waited. And waited.
Its past 10 o clock now. I am so angry. This has never happened before! I could just ignored them and go to bed but the dilemma is, I ran out of milk, rice, cereals.... If I missed them again tonight, there will be a famine tomorrow.
So angry.
Like Jonah said, I am angry enough to die.
Nyaahhhhhh
I knew I could not possibly have a real day off especially when that was a less than 24 hour notice. Today was a food run day, not just any food run but Culture Night food run. I wasnt ready for this yesterday. Could have done everything last night but I was dead by dinner time. So, I thought..better come in after a night's rest to pick up the ends.
My anger tonight has everything to do with Wellcome Delivers. They dont. I was expecting this delivery yesterday afternoon! I missed it because I was in class. So, I had to come in today for that too. I waited the whole morning till 2pm and I couldnt wait any longer. I called them up. They rescheduled the delivery till 6-8pm tonight. That was fine. Got a check from Joe and was ready for it.
I finished organizing the food run and sent the crew off by 4. Things were normal in the kitchen too. Just when I thought I could get out of here and come back before 6, it started raining. By the time it stopped it was almost 6.
So I sat in here and waited. And waited.
Its past 10 o clock now. I am so angry. This has never happened before! I could just ignored them and go to bed but the dilemma is, I ran out of milk, rice, cereals.... If I missed them again tonight, there will be a famine tomorrow.
So angry.
Like Jonah said, I am angry enough to die.
Nyaahhhhhh
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