I usually blog about my external life. I am a superficial person. Maybe I can have a change today.
Here is my heart, which almost feels like death because there seems like a wall surrounding it. There is hindrance in worship times, I cant concentrate. And there is hindrance in quiet times, I cant concentrate either. I am not exactly sure what this place is. Usually when I am lost, I can feel God's presence relatively quickly. But I think now I am just wrapped in self-sufficiency.
God, I am here to repent. Give my heart a life.
The clock is ticking. Do I have enough time to get to know myself deeply? Only you know this heart, where it has been and what it has gone through. I dont want to recall the past struggles, the threatening voices, and of course all the hurt that went unspoken. Why cant I just admit that I hurt? Why cant I just own up to my own feelings? Now, I cant be this way. The more I try to avoid, the more I am distanced from myself and so the more I am lost. It is disastrous to bring a superficial self into a permanent union.
He has given me his heart to which I have vowed to protect with my own life. But how do I give my own heart to him? How will I respond if he ever hurt me? How do I hold myself from the temptation of hurting him back?
God help me.
2 comments:
I had a strange deam last nite. It was so strange and I had a moment when deep sadness overwhelmed me. I wonder if I have some unresolved issues or desparation reside in me.
- jing
I still love you, and have no plans to change my mind.
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