BLM

I posted some brilliant afterthoughts of my dear friend, William Keomany, about the outcome of AmericaDecides 2008 and that has aged really well, in my opinion. here we are again, now 12 years later, in 2020, a year full of unprecedented events (understatement!), he poured out these words in response to the movement of the day, #BLM. only this time, i have not yet decided whether i could agree with everything (i have gotten a lot more complicated, over the years). but i certainly appreciate his thoughtfulness and care, even if i decided to disagree later, i still stand in support and respect on what he believes in. oh, by the way, i do strongly believe both sides of the political aisles need to quit unleashing savageries at each other and for once, push towards greater good for, well.... more than just BLM. He gave me the permission to post this on my blog this morning.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here goes....

For far too long, I have sought to find a middle ground in every situation. As a stereotyped model minority, much to the same privilege as my white friends, I have allowed myself to believe the justification of the murder of Blacks, often through neutrality. After much prayer and research, I truly believe Jesus himself would support #Blacklivesmatter, not just through media, but through protest and suffering. It is no longer about left vs right and Democrat vs Republican, but rather right vs wrong, good vs evil, and a system of oppression vs the oppressed. Any thoughts and entertainment of conspiracies and nitpicking to discredit the voice of my fellow blacks is in the same spirit and attitude that fought against Civil rights over 40 years ago and is in alignment with the father of confusion and darkness. Rather than stay safe, may we seek to do what is right.

P.S. I am so proud of soo many of you. Rather than dividing ourselves, I see people from both sides of a political spectrum taking off the blinders and pushing towards the greater good.

8 years

November 11th yesterday.  We made the 8th return of the date since 2006.  So much had happened (initially here, and eventually on FB).

So, yesterday KK and I took a day off from work to play, to celebrate....and to run errands. 

So here, I made an appearance (in a photo) for the first time since 2006 !! I was about to eat that plateful of awesomeness which I craved for, for at least a year!

Little did I know, I was about to suffer some aftermath violent stomach pains .  Sigh.
Nevertheless, the smile on my face before that ordeal was worth capturing.   I had a good day. Happy that I married this wonderful man, whom I can say, even after 8 years later, a better human being than I am.

Oh yeah, we are the cool couple that don't do selfies like the rest of the world. 

    

Michael

I freely admit that I am a huge sucker for Michaels. They are all incredibly talented and special. 

First there was Michael Chung, then Michael Wong, for a while, there was Michael W. Smith, Micheal Kors (not really, just kidding).

I have known Michael Chung since....too long ago.  I actually have a few endearment terms for him, among which, he probably likes Mulder the most, which is why he calls me Scully now :) .

Back then, I had always thought he was 32 (even before he was 32). He told me his age once, and of course I have forgotten what it was because that was again, too long ago. 

Every year I would send him the same birthday greetings - reminding him how fabulous he is being 32.   Today is his birthday again.  32nd, of course.

And he absolutely loves me for that. LOL.

Menopause

So, I have been thinking about it for a while.  No, actually just for a few days.

I suppose, being almost 38, I am not to worry about this anytime soon. (Gosh, 38 - almost!) . 

I suppose I just want to say, menstruation is a nuisance.  And as much as (I thought) I wished that I was a dude, I actually don't.  There is other mess to deal with, so I heard.

So, I wish menopause would come sooner. 

12 years is too long. 

Bedtime Story 2

Cat had finally returned to visit her good friends in the Animal Kingdom. She saw and held Cockroach's daughter. The family was happy and complete.

Panda came and introduced her husband, whom Cat had already knew. They were blissfully in love and acting totally newly wedded. They were happy and complete as well.

Then there came the news about Turtle. In Bedtime Story 1, a lot of friends were curious about Turtle's love life. And to Cat's surprising delight, Turtle had also fallen in love with a remarkable person. Turtle told Cat that since Cat had gotten engaged in the former home of Panda and Turtle, the residual anointing in that house must had caused Cockroach, Panda, and Turtle to all find their non animal significant others in the span of 3 years. So they were very grateful to Cat, even though away from the Animal Kingdom but remained loved and favored for a long time.

That was a really good trip back to the Fusionland and the Animal Kingdom for Cat. Cat looked forward to the next trip..perhaps in the next trip Cat would be able to see Turtle getting hitched although, it would probably be said and done at Turtle's own speed. Turtle said we should not expect her to do it at Cockraoch's, Panda's or even Cat's speed.

Nevertheless, once very close friends, Cat, Panda, Cockroach and Turtle, all lived happily ever after along with their respective partners in the Animal Kindgom and other places wherever life took them.

The End

Bedtime Story

Once upon a time, there lived four good friends in the Animal Kingdom of Fusionland who dwelled peacefully with the humans.

The four friends were Cockcroah, Panda, Turtle and Cat. Cockcroach, Panda and Turtle had been good friends for a long time before Cat arrived in the Animal kingdom. Panda was extremely fond of Cat because she was so adorable and smart. So,very quickly they became close friends.

Four of them, who were very different from one another spoke the same language as the humans of Fusionland. They played together, worked together, ate together and even travelled together. Life was always lots of fun. They were all extremely funny in their own ways and they never failed to make themselves laugh until they cried, (except for Cat who never cried).

The time came when Cat had to leave the Animal Kingdom to get married. Cat was very sad because she loved all her animal friends in the kingdom. She missed Panda every day. She wanted to come back and visit the Fusionland all the time but she was stucked in the Nevernever Land. However one day the opportunity came when she heard the news that Cockroach was getting married. For that reason, she could again come back to the Animal Kingdom and visit her animal and human friends. She was happy!!!

Not long afterwards, she heard another good news, her Panda was in love and would be married too. There went another opportunity to go back to the Fusionland. And it was a great joy in the Animal Kingdom because Cockcroach's wife had just given birth to a baby. So Cat not only visit Panda and Turtle but also Cockroach's baby.

Now, Panda and Cat are looking forward for Cat to return to the Animal Kingdom. But Cat says, maybe the next opportunity will come when Turtle gets hitched.


This story is based on true characters. Due to security reasons, their real names have been changed.

Cockroach is Cockroach because he kept reprising the role of a cockroach in some 'guidelines video'.
Cat has always been all cat (and nothing else) wherever she goes except for when being in the Nevernever Land where she cannot be herself.
Turtle is Turtle because Panda said so.
Panda is Panda because she said so.

Notable events in 2008

My brother got hitched and did my ancestors proud by delivering an heir less than 8 months later.

My grandfather made it to heaven at the age of 103 years. I still miss him everyday.

KK and I visited Kimchiland, one of the most amazing countries in Asia.

Two of my closest friends got engaged.

I made it to the Pandaland once again.

Reconnected to many friends on Facebook!!!! :)

Screw Everything!!!

A year has passed by without much progress. Maybe there was somewhere, sometime, somehow and somewhat I felt a certain breakthrough. Perhaps I've matured more in my thoughts, in terms of taking responsibilities, and how to be proficient and competitive in the real world.. and yet, i witness my heart slowly dying.

I have no more desires. It becomes a dirty and a cruel word. I am completely lost. I am indeed that far off that I do not know how to come back. The anger continues. I am actually angry at the fact I am this angry. It is a place where I know nothing can make me happy. Not even the thought of God. So maybe here is the problem. I lost hope in God, so there's nothing left to look forward to. Everything is screwed. God, what do I say to you? to myself? I just dont know what it is about anymore.

Screw everything!!!

i have been wanting to say those two words here for more than a year and i finally did.

i voted for satan

[Disclaimer : I did not write this entry (nor the title)but my friend William did. I would say we have very similar thoughts about the outcome of the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election. And my special friend William Keomany puts the thoughts in words better than I could have. He gave me the permission to post this on my blog. So, ladies and gentlemen, here goes...]

Personally i don't think it matters whether McCain or Obama or even a resurrected Abraham Lincoln is president. Those men of high positions can only do so much locally and in individual hearts of people. The true action comes from believers that walk with Christ. We are the ones that go out there and talk to people that are getting abortions, or are living in sinful lifestyles. those that are living blindly. we introduce the true change in their hearts, only then can we expect them to see the light and vote according to how things God would want.

Yes, a lot of people didn't get their candidate in. they can bitch and moan for four years. but that doesn't change anything. that is a defeated attitude. But we still have the true power in going out in our communities, into the world and showing proof. A person who goes out and holds babies and infants speaks more volume than any person who merely votes for pro life issues. we use convincing rhetoric on why abortion is wrong to people that are blind in the first place. but how can they deny us when we hold babies, and show them the true precious life? What i'm saying is what you have been doing, you've been speaking louder with action than words.

I feel politics are a very carnal war. we as christians fall into those games too by not knowing our facts, and give opponents or swing voters wrong facts. thus making ourselves liars. we picket, we get angry, and throw chairs and write angry statuses on facebook. we write stupid things like we're going to leave our country.. if those are not carnal attitudes then i don't know what is.

How can we say these things represent God then? These things cause our political opponents and even undecided people to put up walls. Christ used actions and the right strategy to break down walls in people he talked to. He brought truth to the light. Perhaps we are to present truth in love, bridge a gap and not dub people with different perspectives idiots even if they don't agree. They may not change their minds right away, but they will know you have good reasons to believe what you believe.

Understanding. Compassion.

Liberals are not idiots.
Republicans are not closedminded.

We with the light are real change.

william

Chronicles of my life post St. E in a nutshell of course...

Since my sudden reunion with my ex St E girls, Ive gotten many questions on where Ive been since we parted ways in 1994. So out of my narcissistic nature, Ive decided to post an entry to summarize the 14 lost years in hope of their little interest in my interesting journey... hehehe.

Nov 1994 we finished SPM. I went for a short vacation just 3 weeks. Upon return, my mother, bless her heart enrolled me into American University Program at Inti Sarawak campus. In less than a week, I packed my bags ( I havent even finished unpacking from my vacation) and went off to Kuching. There I finished off 4 semesters of classes in one breath, putting me in sophomore standing as far as 4 year college is concerned. That was December 1994 till March 1996.

Went to Inti Subang April 96 - July 96.

August 96 - transferred to the University of Nebraska- Lincoln, Food Science and Technology department.

May 99 - Graduated with Bachelor of Agricultural Sciences.

May 99 - Aug 00 - worked on campus. Upon the expiration of my working permit, was offerred an graduate research assistantship to pursue a post graduate degree.

Aug 00 - Jan 04 - completed the requirements for my Masters of Science.

Jan 04 - Immediately after my oral defense I packed my bags again, in less than 48 hours, I was on the plane heading for Hong Kong after 7 plus years in good old Nebraska. I had decided to set apart that year to do missions. So, I signed myself up for A Year in Asia Program with Youth With A Mission Hong Kong. Initially planning to just stay for a year, after much prayers and consideration, I felt compelled to stay longer. So I signed up for a 2 year commitment as part of the YWAM HK staff. It was THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!! Halfway into that, I got reunited (over long distance) with my then estranged ex fiance. Two months later in Nov 05, we decided to get married a year from then, after my commitment with YWAM HK was over.

Feb 2006 - Wedding date was set, church booked. My sweetheart flew over to Hong Kong on the valentine's day weekend with a diamond ring and proposed. Then he went back to execute all the wedding plans (now where do you find a man like that?? :)).

3 weeks before the wedding, I packed my bags and left Hong Kong. We got hitched on Nov 11 2006 in Klang, Nov 18 in Sibu, then only the honeymoon.

Dec 2006, I accepted the offer to work at Sunway Medical Center.

I have been working there since...

Ode to my St E girls

Recently, out of some curiosities and of the blue, Ive decided to track down a group of friends that I had decidedly 'abandoned' since years ago. Ever since I signed on Facebook (Dec 2006, yep..that early), I have been looking out for college friends from Nebraska particularly and of course at that time and my Hong Kong friends who were diehard Myspace loyalist ( I was too). So, most of the time I was just waiting for people to get signed on. And my dream came true sometime last year when one after another began signing on and more and more this year and then eventually even those whom I never would have thought would get into this social networking thing signed on . Hurrah!!!

Anyway back to my main point. One boring afternoon, I was wondering how I could get in touch with my long lost seatmate in class who sat with me practically since the first grade (primary 1 that is). Her name simply Jane Lee didnt help me much with searching. But I couldnt remember whom I fingered and finally I got a possible lead. With a few clues here and there, I decided to sned a message to Jane who chose a profile picture of two knotty stuff. :). and of course, it was Jane no less. I found my Jane. That opened the door for many other leads.

Many of the girls have changed their names as in adopted some western names (due to overseas exposure, jobs etc as quipped by Maeve Hou, formerly known as Hou Siew Ming). Lau Kin Fong has become Amanda Lau, and Teo Chun Leng has become Jolene Teo to name a few. And even myself, I have also become Angeline Yong legally. It is interesting to be reunited with them with their new identities. Besides the name change, relationship status have changed as well. Many of us are married now and some even with children (to my delight). I had some good times catching up with a few of them this week even though most of it was brief. Many are still out there. People like En Ji, Swee Sim, Hie Ching and Belinda, I am still wondering about them. I dont know how cool they are in regards to getting hooked up with ex highschoolmates. I was not too keen on it myself at one point of time, not meaning I didnt want to have anything to do with them anymore. It was just that for the past decade or so, I hardly thought much about secondary school or anything pertaining to it. Maybe I was just too distracted with the present moment. But I guess, everything has its own time.

Now it has come around a full circle. I feel a certain completion and somewhat a sense of closure. I have finally returned to my roots.

i wanted to write something...but

i forgot what i wanted to write about.
sorry chisso ko ko.

i will be back. hang in there.

Heroes of my favorite tv shows.

1. Fox Mulder from The X files.
He is hot, smart, funny, and kind hearted.

2. Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H*.
He is smart, funny, kind hearted, but not too hot looking.

3. Mohinder Suresh from Heroes.
He is WAY hot, smart, kind hearted but not funny at all.

4. Gregory House from House M.D.
He is just smart and funny, but ugly and extremely mean.

Part 9: The Doubt and the Final Assurance

The decision to marry changed a few important things immediately.

Even after several discussion on the different possibilities of what our future direction was going to be like, KK finally told me one day he would be sticking to his job and wait for further instructions. That was the direction he got from God after much prayers. And that was the very last thing that I wanted. There were doubt, fear, frustration, and doubt again. What about my dreams and plans? What about my calling? Should I just call it off?

God help me.

When I have quieted down, the still small voice came saying "You want to know my plans for your future, walk into this marriage. This is the door that will lead you there ". The assurance gave me peace. Afterwards I realized I've had too many preconceived ideas on where I should go and how everything was supposed to happen. I wasn't really open to alternatives. God wanted me to lay them down and surrender my agendas to him, again.

A few days later KK came to HK with a ring and officially proposed. I was ready to confidently say yes. God is always timely.

Part Eight :The Unexpected Reunion

The angels held their breath... and my comrade Zoe crashed into the scene with the most insane question, "So, what do you think about KK right now?"

"What do I think about KK????? I DONT think about KK. Why do I need to think about KK? He is so in the past and I am thinking of how to respond to this guy...do I have enough of drama in my life or what?" I grumbled. But I asked back, "What about KK?". She clarified, "as in having a relationship". I exploded inside. "What on earth is wrong with everyone nowadays? This is weirder than the weirdest dream I have ever had." So, to make sure she had not gone crazy, I asked her a few diagnostic questions.

Me: You and me, we are considered partners correct? You, the prince, me the priest, like youve always said.
Zoe: Yea.
Me: You know my heart is gone into the mission field, correct? And you have supported and shared my calling, correct?
Zoe: Yea.
Me: SO HOW ON EARTH WOULD IT MAKE SENSE THAT YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE TO ASK ME TO CONSIDER A RELATIONSHIP WITH KK WHILE YOU KNOW HE IS MARRIED TO HIS CHURCH IN MALAYSIA????????
Zoe: I guess you've made your mind about him permanently which is what I thought so. I just wanted to check that's all.
Me: HUH???????????????????? Get behind me, Satan.

I didnt want to continue the conversation about him. I was very uncomfortable. I was trying to recover from one shock and instead I gained another. It was too much to handle. I lost my sleep that night. Curiosity was killing me. Why did Zoe ask me that, but most importantly why in such a time? Was God behind this? There were too many questions I darent ask Zoe, lest she started to convince me into doing the insane.

So for the next two weeks, she kept wanting to tell me about KK. I kept telling her, I had too many questions. Then she said maybe we should start talking again. Before I agreed to that, KK sent me a request to add him into my msn messenger. That's what good friends are for.

It was actually great talking to KK again. We caught up on the lost years. I storied him on all the troubles of the year before I came to HK, on how I struggled with getting my Masters and how I rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God from scratch after our breakup. And then how it was for me during DTS and FEET and then being a staff on the base. He told me everything that happened to him during the lost years. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked like never before. We were friends again. We obviously still love each other we just didnt know if we were supposed to get married.

"Gosh, not only Zoe's crazy. I must have gone crazy too" I thought. After two months of talking to kk online, I needed a talk with Nancy, my base director. I told her, things looked like they are going somewhere. I thought they were from God, but still not completely sure about everything. I needed prayers. I told her, we were going to meet each other in person twice at the KLIA in Malaysia during my furlough. [But it got increased to four times because I took a trip down to Jakarta to meet up with Zoe via KLIA.]

The first meeting was awkward for us. He officially asked if he could pursue a romantic relationship with me. I said, that was very hopeful. After that I flew home where my mom, much to my mortification, asked me out of the blue if KK was married. She was surprised to find out he wasnt . On the other hand, I was more surprised that she asked me about him.

Days later I went to see Zoe in Jakarta. Then KK and I already had very progressive conversation in regards to a relationship. I just wanted to ask Zoe for the last time if I should go ahead...based on her judgement as our mutual friend and of my ministry partner and the knowledge of what had happened in our lives since she knew us until then. She couldnt encourage me more. So on the way back from Jakarta, KK and I met again at KLIA. We talked about the possibility of a wedding in November, exactly, a year after.

I dropped the news on my father about my intention to marry KK. He was a lot more than happy. Then, he said, I can be a missionary and go wherever I want as long as I am having a husband. I couldnt believe it was that simple for him. I guessed that was really God.

So I returned from furlough practically engaged.

Part 7 - Honeymoon with God

Finally after 7 years of being attached with somebody, I resumed my singlehood status. I took upon a special journey which I had always wanted to take -- MISSIONS.

So for the next two years or so I lived my life having nothing to do with KKK.

I returned to Asia in January 2004 after 7.5 years of staying in Lincoln, NE. I enrolled myself for Discipleship Training School at YWAM Hong Kong, which was where I had the most irreplacable experience, my honeymoon with God. I put behind everything that happened between me and KK in Lincoln. Occasionally the memories of him still made me sick to my stomach. But for most of the time, I was so overwhelmed with what God was teaching me. Besides, I was so overly loved by everyone so I thought, who needs a boyfriend at a place such as this?? I guess I had a taste of heaven then, nobody needs to get married there.

After DTS was over, I visited Malaysia shortly to tie all the outstanding loose ends.....first with my decisions of what to do with my future and face my parents with those issues, and then, there was a need of a proper closure with KK. I was almost sure that I would not be returning to Malaysia after I finished all my programs at YWAM Hong Kong.

So in May 2004, at KLIA airport, me and KK met and then parted in peace. We forgave, prayed, blessed, and said proper goodbye to each other. I thought, what a great guy but what a pity, I hadnt the slightest interest to live Malaysia. Definitely he wasnt the one for me. I was actually pretty happy it ended that way. It was a great closure, better than one I could ask for.

That summer I returned to Hong Kong and did FEET. When I was on outreach in India, I had the most memorable conversation with God about my future relationship. It wasnt because of desperation but just out of pure curiosity. I started to have sort of a romantic interest in mind and was carefully thinking certain things through. During that session of heart to heart with God, a lot of questions were answered. I was ready to move on and to have a new love interest.

However I recall, because of the incredible outreach food, I ended up having these reccuring vivid dreams of KK and I getting back together. And I had at least 5 of those throughout the whole of FEET outreach. Annoying, but fortunately ignoring them wasnt too hard. When I was awake and sober, I knew with an absolute certainty that I was over KK.

After FEET outreach, I returned to Hong Kong permanently to join the staff team. It was also the time I found out prematurely that my new "love interest" then was also interested in me. I was pretty certain at that time that God has led me to consider a relationship with this person. However, due to the guidelines set by YWAM, we couldnt pursue a relationship until I passed nine months of staffship. That, for me was SALVATION. I found out of my lack of emotions towards this person and therefore inability commit my heart to him fully. As I would sadly tell Faby, my hormones were dormant, maybe dead!!!

I spent the whole nine months trying to develop those feelings, hoping that I could somehow return his kindness and affection but instead I instinctively and rather unkindly ran away from his presence each time he wanted to get close. The one last time I gave myself and him a chance, I asked him out for a meal at a fancy place. It was during that time I finally decided to give up on trying. I could not be in a relationship with him with us interacting like that. I didnt know what was on his mind but I was hoping he would also get the idea and move on.

Nine months was over.... he gave me a letter.

This was the entry I made on September 22, 2005. To protect his identity, I had to be very vague.

Him and her

After a year of secret longing, he finally told her today.... that he loves her.

He gave her an envelope with some money, a gift voucher to an ice cream place, and a letter he typed the night before. Those were words he could not say to her in person.

He spilt everything....how and when and why... and asked her to consider 'it'. He said he knows she doesn't like him but it's okay. He still wants to tell her anyway. He assured her that being just friends is okay with him if she decides to no 'it'. He even asked her to take as much time as she needed to consider.He is willing to risk it again for her, who has never in any way return any of his kind and self-restraint love.

"What kind of a man is he?" she pondered. "What have I done to deserve such kind thoughts?"

One thing for sure, she certainly feels special. She had come across numerous admirers over the years and this isn't like she would magnify any forms of attention given to her by members of the opposite sex. She is just honestly flattered and impressed this time.

And what would she say to him then?

Wedding Day Slides

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

I really want to finish my story.

Each time I wrote a part, it took me about 3 hours, with editing and enhancements, without any distractions.

I am married now....my husband and I hardly spend a waking moment apart. I m still waiting for a time I get to write for long long long long hours until I m sick of reading myself.

Part 6 - The Unresolved Conflict

Year 2001 started.

KK and I very naturally found our ways back to each others life once again. Both of us resolved in the name of the new millenium to cut off all the entanglements of our past and start clean. And finally for the first time in the history of our relationship, it was just us. And we stayed that way for a long time. But did I finally enjoy that relationship?

I, on my part, was totally committed to him. I had given my heart fully to him. I would do anything...compromised, sacrificed in all inconvenience to make sure he would never leave me again. But strangely, no matter what I did, I was still unconvinced about his devotion to me. No matter how many times he reassured me with his words and actions, in my heart I kept sensing that one day, he would still betray everything he said. Trust was absent.

That summer, we went to an all night prayer vigil at the Lutheran's Chapel. God spoke and gave me a vision of my FEET touching the ground of many places, specifically bringing the gospel just like in Romans 10:15. If I were not involved with KK, I would be jumping with excitement and hope and maybe even in tears but that night, I was so traumatized. I had given up my dream of going on missions because I was terribly afraid KK would not be willing to go. I really hoped that it would not come to past because being with KK was more important already then. So, I didnt tell him anything about the vision because I couldnt trust him nor God to deal with that information. And even I eventually forgot about it too (until 2003).

Meanwhile KK also graduated that year. I met his family, both biological, and spiritual when we went back to Malaysia for a summer break. We were in a sense going 'steady' and official with important people of our lives. However in my heart there was still a big gap. I wanted a more substantial planning for our future. KK just graduated and even though he already had a job, he wasnt established enough that he could make out realistic plans of what he had. But I took it as an excuse for not wanting to make more defined commitments.

I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didnt really evaluate my own readiness if I even knew what marriage means. Everyone else were getting married while they were still students, so why not KK and I? I was not happy enough that we were going to get married. I wanted to know WHEN exactly that would happen.

It was the ongoing conflict that went on from 2001 till we finally broke up in 2003. That was the overall climate of our relationship during the whole time.

KK returned for good to Malaysia July 5th, 2002. I was trying to finish up with my graduate studies so that I could also make further plans. KK was hoping that I would return and join him in Malaysia as soon as I finished my degree. Then we could make plans. But I had other thoughts.

Winter Break 2002. I went to Malaysia to visit KK. I had an ultimatum for him. I wanted him to decide on when to tie the knot and I offerred to go back to Malaysia 6 months before the date, otherwise, I shalt remain in America and pursue my own career and life until he was ready. It was my reasonable request and offer. I didnt want to break up with him but I didnt want to keep waiting. I would not let myself to return to Malaysia with uncertainty and regrets. And for him, it was absurdity to put a wedding date before he knew how I'd adjust to the Malaysian life. And for my own goodness sake, I shouldnt burden myself with marriage while learning to live as a Malaysian once again.

Guess what? I still couldnt accept his reasons and he couldnt accept mine. Go figure. And Year 2002 ended.

Three months later, he called and apologized saying that he still couldnt give in to my request and since the conflict was serious, we'd better seek God what we both should do next, laying aside our plans to get married and even asked if we were supposed to even get married. Even though I was disappointed, but I thought that was fair enough. I should seriously be asking God what I should do after finishing school, anyway.

Then missions came to mind. It was then, or never.

I was leaning very strongly towards DTS offerred by YWAM. After discussing with Neek, an ex dtser, he encouraged me to seek God for that specific base. He told me too that I was supposed to simplify my life, i.e. take a break from any special relationship and commitment as that was required by his school. I thought, couldnt that be a better timing. So, my heart was set for YWAM.

And during that quest for the right base, God reminded me of the vision in the summer of 2001, the day after I received an info packet from YWAM Hong Kong which I almost discard after I saw their DTS fees. The second time I took the packet out from the envelope again, my eyes caught the four letter word FEET imprinted on an very unimpressive grey brochure (which they still used until today). Not only that, Romans 10:15 was also printed on the front of the brochure. I was almost sure God wanted me not only to do a DTS but also FEET and not only that, he wanted me to do DTS in Hong Kong specifically even though it was so freaking expensive. I couldnt believe how fast God answered my question. It was as though He had everything lined up for me, just waiting me to pop that question.

When I looked back, it was really good for me that KK made that call. My three years in YWAM HK was the best years Ive ever lived.

Back to 2003....
I made my discovery known to KK. He was indifferent about it. Later he made another call that was to call off the relationship altogether. I was so sad. I wanted a good reason and he couldnt give me any and I hadnt done anything wrong. We've both agreed to seek God and God didnt say I should return to Malaysia. I was left without a proper understanding of his decision.

But when he said these words " I dont think you are not the one I m supposed to be fighting for", my fury was ignited. He had crossed the line. It didnt matter if I understood his reasons anymore. That was our last conversation that year.

I took my time to process through the entire relationship from the beginning. Since Ive gotten involved with KK in 1999 till 2003, how much of those times had I been truly happy? My unhappy days far outnumbered my happy days. Why should a smart girl like me put up with that kind of torture? When seriously think about it, I was unhappy whether he was in or out of my life. So, since I was already unhappy, why should I insist on it or even try to understand the madness?

It was a good time of cleansing and repentance. I finally decided to rebuild the foundation of my relationship with God. I gathered all the memories, gifts, pictures of KK and stashed them away in a shoebox. I almost performed a funeral service for it but my best friend Tayo laughed at my suggestion.

I looked forward to what I had already known for me then. A new adventure in Hong Kong.

I had nothing to lose anymore.

And in fact, since then, Ive not lost. My lose-lose predicaments had turn into win-win stakes. God did a lot!

Part 5 - Insecurity

Winter of 1999 was cold. It was very much the opposite of 1998's. There wasnt the slightest warmth to be found. My heart was as cold as the winter snow. Even though we had decided to take a break until OneDay 2000, I really missed KK. I really wished I had treated him better, and was more considerate of how he felt. But due to pride, I couldnt tell him my regrets. I went through with what we'd agreed on.

KK went home for Christmas and there he faced his ex crush who then was eager enough to start a relationship with him. She started to talk to me one day. We had a friendly heart to heart about KK. I was torn. She was a nice girl, and I even liked her. But I just couldnt bear the thought of KK with her. Life took a very wrong twist for three of us. If only whatever that happened in winter 1998 didnt happen, KK would not hesitate to start a relationship with her right then. I became the stumbling block, the hindrance. And I myself could have married CC. The timing was wrong for all four of us. The dramas of the love geometry....

That winter I knew jealousy. It was a new experience. Even though KK didnt pursue a relationship with her and she even gave up on the possibility, the hurt was still unbearable. Over the following two months, I lost a third of myself. I just didnt feel hungry anymore for a long time. All I felt was pain, and it took over everything else I was capable of feeling.

I didnt know where I got the idea that being sad and "loving" someone that much was shameful. In a strange way, I felt ashamed to feel so hurt that I was desperately trying to hide my sadness. So I moved on and ignored the pain by participating in lots of activities on campus to widen my social circle. In that few months I developed an uncontested talent in hiding my true feelings from everyone.

My relationship with KK during that time was really awkward. We saw each other lots but just couldnt talk much. The mutual attraction was obvious and we were trying hard to control ourselves until one Saturday in April (2000) I accepted his invitation to go on a fishing trip. So, by that semi frozen lake, he asked if we could resume our relationship. We drove home rejoicing. We promised ourselves to not repeat the past mistakes and not to take that opportunity for granted.

True enough, I was happy that KK was mine again. Unfortunately, I didnt know how to deal with my hurt properly. I either ignored them or denied them. Jealousy and insecurity has taken root and the doubt concerning his true feelings and motives continued to linger. I was chosen because of proximity. I wondered if both of us (me and his ex crush) were present, would he still choose me over her? He got really upset whenever I brought this issue up. Insecurity remained. I therefore could not trust him with my heart. I reserved a lot of myself to myself. Hurt continued to build.

I guess that is the reason I continued my friendship secretly through email with CC who had then stopped coming to see me every weekend. I even felt like I could be more transparent with CC but with KK, I was just really afraid to talk to him about anything.

KK and I had a serious problem with our relationship that nobody else seemed to notice. Besides our problem, we worked really well in ministry. That summer we and other comrades like Tayo, Christopher, Edmond, and others started an off campus summer evangelistic movement (known passionately as Lincoln Revival Team), outreaching the international students in our neighborhood. We studied the bible, worshipped, interceeded, led people to Jesus, took long distance trips, played sports, and made lots of food for the community. We even bought a Camry together and drove lots of people to church. Basically we were too busy to take care of our problem.

Then fall came, summer activities ceased and we were facing the reality of our relationship again. Through my insecurity and desire to avenge my own hurt, I had provoked KK to jealousy by befriending guys whom he felt threatened by. I guess the truth was, the insecurity wasnt just one sided. Through all these struggles, he decided to call the relationship off once again with the reason he wasnt good enough for me. In the middle of that, he found out about my secret correspondence with CC and went ballistic especially when he discovered I borrowed money from CC to help him with the downpayment of our car. The insult was too heavy for a man to handle but I couldnt accept his anger at me because to me, I was just asking a friend who wanted to return a favor. When CC first came back to NE, he had no money and I helped him to start off before he received his paycheck.

KK and I refused to understand and see the situation from another's perspectives. In anger, he swore off any possibility of us getting back again. I remember that afternoon he came to pick me from college to send me back to my apartment. We talked inside our car from 230 pm till 5 the next morning. I guess when the finality was there that the relationship was out of the picture, the threat of letting him know how I truly felt wasnt there anymore. Maybe that was true for him too. So, that accounted for our more than 12 hours long of heart-to-heart.

We finally had some insights of what was going on in each other's deeper self. But everything was over. KK had sworn me off forever and I respected his boundary.

Soon enough, CC heard about my 'final' breakup with KK. He decided to take his chance. He came and offerred to marry me after I finished with my advanced degree. Not only that, he offerred to let me raise our children to be christians. I rejected him. He didnt give up. The next day, he called and offered to believe in Jesus. I understood something. He was determined to do anything to have me back in his life. I had no choice but to be 'cruel'. I told him, we could no longer be communicating. I could not let him get his hopes up in an impossibility.

Winter of 2000 arrived rather quietly. There, my heart was once again, as cold as the snow. If that were the last time I had to deal with that kind of finality, it might not be so bad. But very unfortunately, that wasnt the case.