wzitalokiehi

So recently I have been trying to analyze myself quite ferociously.

I tried isolating Angeline (which is supposed to be me by name) and myself (my soul I suppose) just like I once tried isolating Ara h 1 allergen from the peanut proteins.

In a lot of ways rejecting myself seems very natural. I supposed I have so much fear of rejection that I rejected myself before anyone else could reject me first.

For example, it was easy for me to reject nice comments from other people. I always have difficulty believing the good things people said about me. Not to say I totally disagreed but I just knew I wasn't good enough to receive them yet.

For example, I knew I could be good in art. I felt rather strongly about artistic things and I knew intrinsically I was more inclined towards arts BUT I stubbornly chose to pursue Science until I got a Masters.

For example, I knew I could be a good leader if I wanted to BUT I was so afraid to fail, that I just rejected the whole possibility of being one. That went for being a teacher too.

For example, I knew I was supposed to be quite intelligent BUT I rather act silly because it was so easy to come up with silly ideas than intelligent ones. I rejected my intellects.

And if I ever fail as a human being, I could easily be a cat, because I was kinda known as one already. I denied my humanity.

I am also amazed at how I can decide my emotions. If someone asked me how I feel, I realized I couldn't tell the person on the spot. I had to justify my emotions and really analyze if I was truly feeling what I felt, or I was even supposed to feel that way. That constantly put me in denial because most of the time I couldn't decide if I should and so, I rejected my feelings as well. And I promise you, I have driven people (including myself) nuts with that.

My golly, have I been really hard on myself. But then, this is probably the first time I have described myself that well.

really?