Wednesday, June 22, 2005


So recently I have been trying to analyze myself quite ferociously.

I tried isolating Angeline (which is supposed to be me by name) and myself (my soul I suppose) just like I once tried isolating Ara h 1 allergen from the peanut proteins.

In a lot of ways rejecting myself seems very natural. I supposed I have so much fear of rejection that I rejected myself before anyone else could reject me first.

For example, it was easy for me to reject nice comments from other people. I always have difficulty believing the good things people said about me. Not to say I totally disagreed but I just knew I wasn't good enough to receive them yet.

For example, I knew I could be good in art. I felt rather strongly about artistic things and I knew intrinsically I was more inclined towards arts BUT I stubbornly chose to pursue Science until I got a Masters.

For example, I knew I could be a good leader if I wanted to BUT I was so afraid to fail, that I just rejected the whole possibility of being one. That went for being a teacher too.

For example, I knew I was supposed to be quite intelligent BUT I rather act silly because it was so easy to come up with silly ideas than intelligent ones. I rejected my intellects.

And if I ever fail as a human being, I could easily be a cat, because I was kinda known as one already. I denied my humanity.

I am also amazed at how I can decide my emotions. If someone asked me how I feel, I realized I couldn't tell the person on the spot. I had to justify my emotions and really analyze if I was truly feeling what I felt, or I was even supposed to feel that way. That constantly put me in denial because most of the time I couldn't decide if I should and so, I rejected my feelings as well. And I promise you, I have driven people (including myself) nuts with that.

My golly, have I been really hard on myself. But then, this is probably the first time I have described myself that well.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...


ooh I love you Angeline, each part of you. Even when you are crazily analysing yourself... I love the cat part of you, the silly part of you, the praying part of you, the evangelising part of you, the cuddling part of you, the part of you that looks scary when she is deep into her QT, the musical part of you.... I miss you and I love you